A Long Journey

 BTS Dynamite is finally no 1 on Billboard hot 100.

It's a sentence and a news headline that I still couldn't believe.

they come a long way.

and me too.

I knew them since I need U era, and became a full time ARMY during WINGS era, it's like.. really? feels so unreal.

I cried.

Those 7 boys were with me before and during my assignment in Japan, the boys were with me during my tough time, and still with me until now. ah I wanna cry even more.

now what I wish is for them to find happiness, more and more happiness.

That's it, I'm gonna cry more.

BTS Fanfiction Burn_ Discontinue

Hi guys..
I just would like to let you know that Burn will be discontinued.
And I'm so sorry to make mental health as fanfiction base and kind of romanticize it.

I deeply apologize.
I'm planning to write again maybe someday.

Bye see you soon 💜💜💜

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 8

I've been delaying this for so long. LOL I am sorry forgive me. I was so busy these past 2 weeks with my works. And its comeback season, I was going a bit crazy with all those MV streaming, and really bighit and BTS drove me crazy, I felt like I was panicking every night they drop something. Well done bighit! well done. Well, now I am a bit worried since I didn't do pre order the album, hmm will I be able to get a hold of it before they're all vanished??
Hmm lets see.
Anyways, without further ado, here is part 8.

TRIGGER WARNING!

This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.

You can read previous part here:

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 1

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 2

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 3

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 4

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 5

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 6

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 7

Burn - Part 8

Jungkook POV

When my brothers were hurt I was hurt as well. When they were in pain, I was in more pain. They are so precious to me just like that. Because they made me begin. They made me develop emotions and felt needed in this lonely world.

I love my brothers.

However, I didn't know I will feel that same thing towards Noona.

I love her.

That night, when I saw her crying miserably, my heart was cut in slices, it's so painful.

I asked her why.. what happened, but she didn't answer and just locked herself in her room then cried even harder.

I tried to knock the door, but she didn't reply.

It was the second time I saw Noona crying so much. The first time was when her mother died. At that time, I regret I didn't do anything to make her better.

Thus this time, I swear I will erase that tears from her face no matter what.

What caused her so much sorrow?

Last time I saw her was this morning, and she looks so happy, her face blushed while looking at the calendar. In that calendar I saw today' date was circled in pink "with yoongs".

I guess, today is somekind of special day with Yoongi hyung.

I felt a slight tug in my heart. I thought I have been getting used to it, watching my Noona with Yoongi hyung together. 

But I guess it's still painful to me. All these months I pretend I am okay and happy that they are together, but inside I felt like dying. As much as I love both Yoongi hyung and Noona, my heart still in pain seeing them together.

But then, as long as both of them happy, I am fine. I am trying to.

However today.. Noona looks so devastated. 

She ignored me and locked herself in her room.

What did yoongi hyung do?

Why Noona so devastated like that?

Why did I suddenly think it's because of Yoongi hyung?

Eversince they date, I saw a lot change in Noona's expression. 

She was usually so calm, and composed, the one who doesn't how his inner feelings much. 

But eversince they dated, Noona seems a lot happier, and that smile, the one that I adore a lot, appears more often in her face. 

I was truly thrilled to see it, and I thought, this pain that I felt afterall worth a lot if they genuinely happy like that.

However almost recently I saw Noona's face darkened, a lot of worried show on that pretty face of her. I really want to ask her, what happened, what bother her. 

I thought that it's related to their relationship, and thus I don't have any right to pry in.

But that night... I can't stand it any longer.. because Noona looks so devastated.

I have to go to Yoongi hyung.

Ask him anything.. ask him to do anything to make Noona feels better..

And that.. I went to Yoongi hyung apartment.

It was late at night, but for sure I know Yoongi wasn't asleep. He shouldn't be asleep after making Noona cry so hard like that.

I push the bell to his apartment multiple times impatiently.

No one answer nor open the door.

I have no choice but to barge in.

I entered the password that somehow I knew, then the door opened.

In a rush, I barge in to Yoongi hyung apartment. And it's like a mess.. a cake was on the floor, smeared and messed up.

In the dark, I saw Yoongi hyung sitting on the sofa, he rest his head back, closing his eyes.

Are you kidding me?

Is he asleep?

After making such mess?

I felt my blood rising.. I was angry at Yoongi hyung. and this is the first time it ever happened, it shooked me.

with a stomp and hiss, I walk to him, grabbing his collar and shake him to reality.

"Yoongi hyung! are you fcking kidding me right now? you are sleeping?" I shouted to him

He slowly opened his eyes, staring at me blankly.

"Oh its Jungkook" he said shortly, no expression painted on his face.

I have a sudden urge to punch him, but fortunately I can hold it in still.

"What? Noona is crying so hard right now! and what are you doing right here?" I shouted again, I loose my grip and throw him on the sofa again.

Briefly I saw a glint of shock on his eyes once I said Noona is crying, but it turns to blank again, and he laugh then look at me like a mad man.

This side of Yoongi never saw before, and it annoys me.

"Yes, I made her cry.. Haha!  she never loves me anyway" He said to me with a smirk then looks away.

I was dumbfounded. What the hell is he thinking? Can he see after all this time he spent with her? 

She love him so much, even I, who in fact really inexperience in love can see that Noona love Yoongi hyung so much.

But why he couldn't see it?

I tightened my grip, not to let myself lose control.

"Hyung, noona love you so much, can't you see it?" I said to him softly but inside I am boiling already.

"What do you know Jungkook? You know nothing! oh.. or do you have feelings for your Noona? why are you getting so work up over this thing?"

Those words irritates me, even if its the truth.

I really love Noona.

But the way he said it... it really irritates me.

Thus my last barrier was destroyed, I can't hold it in anymore.

I punch him in the face.

And that action shocked me, because it's Yoongi hyung the one that I punched, Yoongi hyung whom I have utmost respect to.

I was out of breath cause of anger.

And he just stays there on the sofa, wiping his blood from his corner of the mouth that I just punch in. 

Then he stared at me and laugh again.

Why Yoongi hyung like this?

Why he seems so off like this?

I keep wondering in my mind, but again anger clouded my brain and I can't stand the man in front of me.

"Why Jungkook? it seems its true.. you love your Noona right?" He said while smirking.

"Then, just take her, I have done with her."

This rascal talked as if Noona is a property, I hate it the most. I can't believe Yoongi hyung is the one who said those words. 

It's not how Yoongi hyung usually are, its hard for me to believe.

I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself, I don't want to hurt him again. No matter how shitty he is, he is still Yoongi hyung. the one I care about.

"Yes, I love her" I said shortly.

"And I will take her from you, I'm actually happy she doesn't really love you, cause I don't either"

And that was my last words to Yoongi hyung.

I left his apartment almost immediately.

I felt mixed feelings, sad, disappointed, worried, shocked at what I just witness and experience. 

Why does Yoongi hyung did something like that? he really looks like someone else. 

Or is it the real Yoongi hyung that I never knew until recently?

Back at home, I didn't hear Noona crying anymore, but when I knock on her room door, she still didn't answer. Perhaps she sleeps already. 

My head was so dizzy, there's so much going on my head at that moment, and I can't stand it. I need to sleep.

That night.. I was almost in a deep sleep when I heard apartment door opened, then closed again.

I looked at my watch, its 4 AM.

Who's going out at this early hour?

I was so dumb, of course it's Noona, who else living in this house except me.

I can't help to worry, so I just followed her. 

And I felt a bit heavy on my heart when I saw her going to Yoongi hyung apartment, after all those words Yoongi hyung said.

I'm afraid Noona will get hurt again.

I can't let that happened.

And that what moved me, I followed her going into Yoongi hyung apartment, few minutes after she got in.

His apartment was dark.

That ruined cake was still on the floor.

I can't see Yoongi hyung anywhere.

But I can hear the faucet was on..

So I follow the sound..

When I heard Noona crying, my heart sunk..

Because what caused her to cry was... Yoongi hyung unconscious body..

Noona was hugging him, crying in hysteria, pleading him to wake up..

My heart was shattered in pieces.

No, it must be not true.

Yoongi hyung..

No..

My last brain cell ask me to call ambulance, and my trembling hands dialed the number..

I wasn't even know what to say, I just said to please hurry.. please save Yoongi hyung..

Please save him..

I beg you..

Please save him..

My tears flows uncontrollably, my chest hurt till I can't breathe..

Yoongi hyung please don't leave me.. please be alive..

Y/N POV

Lying on my bed.. with my windows open.. I can see the night sky full of stars. 

It's cold but my heart feels colder, its frozen. 

Perhaps its better that way, if its frozen, then would I not feel anymore pain?

Life is hard, but living is even harder. 

Yoongi.. could you just take me with you? its so painful down here, could you let me fly with you to that star?

But its not possible right?

You hate me after all. 

Yeah, after hearing those words, for sure you hate me.

I heard a sirene for a far.

I hate that, because it reminds me of that day..

when I lost Yoongi.

-----

The ambulance which brought Yoongi, me and Jungkook dashed through the crowded traffic. 

I kept holding his hand which now getting cold.. my mind, heart everything was a mess.

Please  don't do this to me Yoongi, please don't leave me, please...I kept chanting those words over and over again in my head.

My hands was trembling, I don't know what to do, what to say,

Even when the paramedics ask me what happened, I only can say "pills".. and "please save him".. then kept crying..

Jungkook who sit in front of me, can't say anything either, I saw him crying as hard.

I am trying not to lose hope..

Even if the emergency room lights were off, and the doctors went out with a regretful face..

I was still trying not to lose hope..

Even.. even when they announce the time of death..

I still couldn't believe it.. as he was still there lying on the bed..

Even if his eyes closed, he must be just sleeping.. like he used to..

And tomorrow he will wake up, hold me just like he usually does..  right?

Yoongi won't leave me..

Yoongi will stay with me..

Cause after all..he loves me..

right?

---

Ever since that day, I felt like I was falling into a deep dark abyss..

It's too much for me to bear..

Why Yoongi?

Why he left me?

Is it because of that words?

So.. I am the one who drove him to death..

I am the one who kill him..

---

I was barely can stand the ground again.. and its because of Jungkook.

He was always there beside me, even though I know he was also devastated. Yoongi is like his brother after all, but he was being strong for me, so that I don't break apart.

But then.. as much as I tried not to break apart.. my heart was broken to pieces again.. when I know the truth..

It was that morning, when an old man suddenly rang the bell to my apartment. His name was Bang Shihyuk. He was Yoongi's psychiatrist.

We sat down and he talked, about Yoongi.. even if it might be hard I am really curious about him.. I need to know the reason he did all of that.. and I need to know... the real cause of his.. death..

"So.. Ms. Y/N .. are you really okay? its going to be really hard for you to hear all of this" Mr. Bang ask me again

I took a deep breath and nodded. I need to hear the truth about Yoongi, even if it might breaks me even more in the end.

So, Mr. Bang begins his story

"You know.. Yoongi  been on pills... he has severe panic attacks for years.. it was since his Mom died..." Mr Bang began to talk..

"I know about it.. about him blaming himself for his Mother's death as well.. but I just know about him taking pills.. now" I said.. actually my heart start to feel pain, how come I don't know about that after all those times I spent with him.

"I guess.. he hide it from you.. because.. he wanted to look.. normal to you" He said.

It pained me again. I took a deep breath to ease the pain a bit, and he continued.

"He was getting better.. after I ask him to drove his thought to somewhere else.. well.. after he got along with that silly boys actually.. he said, he can forget a bit and that dark hole was getting smaller..

but he said.. he wasn't satisfied.. because.. after all, the hole is still there.. he can fall anytime.. he said.

playing piano still gave him attacks, thus he needs his pill still.. and he said he hate that. He want to be free from those medicines. he want to be normal."

I was holding my breath those whole times Mr.Bang talks. He was looking at me worriedly , but I ask him to continue.

"One day he said he can play the piano.. even if after that he said, he still need the medicine.. but he was so happy

he want to try again, he want to fight it.."

My mind instantly went to my first encounter with Yoongi..

That sorrowful Clair De Lune..

how mesmerizing he was when he played that.. it turn out that he was barely holding on..

and that moment I was thinking he enjoyed playing it..

I was such a fool..

"I was worried to be honest, because in his case, to fight the trauma trigger is dangerous, because its either win or lose, and I can not let him take such option."

My heart sunk. 

I was supporting him to fight... while it turns out to be a bad choice?

"But seeing his eyes, even if I warned him multiples times.. I can't say no.. because I believe he has reason to that..

and the reason is you, Ms. Y/N.

"I asked him to write a diary, how he felt day to day basis, what kind of day he was encountering.. his diary entry before he met you was always about the past.. 

but after he met you.. he starts writing about the future..

I start to think its not a bad idea letting him fight that trauma..but it won't go as I thought it would be"

There were a lot going on on my head at that time, I start to feel really hard to breathe and uncomfortable.. and Mr. Bang knew it. 

"I'm sorry I talked a lot...

the thing is I want to give you this diary" Mr Bang said, while taking out a red diary from his bag.

That is Yoongi's diary.

Mr. Bang put the diary on the table in front of us. I just stared at it. I know I am not ready.

"He wrote every single day.. until.. the day before that happens..

there I believe you can understand his heart more.. 

I really hope you don't blame yourself of all what happened, because I know Yoongi wouldn't want that as well..

Please live your life happily.. that;s what Yoongi wish after all."

And then.. Mr Bang left..

I was staring again at that red diary..

There, I will be able to read what Yoongi been gone through..

But.. will I ready to learn what he truly thought of me..?

will I ready to know that.. I was truly the cause of his death..?

-------

To Be Continued

--------

Well then that was part 8. It was a mess, but well.. I update it at least. hahaha. 

Next part is Yoongi's diary.

Hope I update it as soon!

Thanks for reading

Byeh!

Re-Unboxing BTS Stuff - LOVE YOURSELF TEAR

THIS ALBUM IS LIT!

LITERALLY MY FAVORITE ALBUM AFTER YOUNG FOREVER.

Okay, I lost my chill already.

But first time listening to this album, I was so shoook, BTS really put various genre from EDM, Latin kinda thing, ballad, soul, etc etc. And the intro thoooooo, OH MY GOD. Even I can not choose which one is my favorite. Basically this album is GOLD. You can feel it once you listen with a good headphone. 

Okay, so I see why a lot music critics rate this album quite high. I can see it.

But anyways its BTS, and I trust their music.

and guess what, JK announced last time that he got his own studio, and now he presents a song he produced in this album and ITS SO GOOD. Honestly I was a bit tear up when I listen and read the lyrics. My son JK you did really well, noona's so proud of you.

And here is my unboxing videos,

Y Version

O Version

U Version

R Version

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 7

Finally I can post this part 7 already. LOL this week was so busy because I messed up my works (Pied Piper playing at the background). Well I felt that my boss will really hate BTS at this rate lol. But anyways I have sorted that problems out already, and now everythings okay. That is why I can post this part 7.

Anyways without further ado, here it is Part 7.

TRIGGER WARNING!

This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.

You can read previous part here:

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 1

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 2

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 3

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 4

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 5

[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 6

Burn - Part 7

Y/N POV

On the night when I miss him, he always come in to my dreams so casually, but no words came out  of his lips. He just stared at me, and I don't know what that stare means. 
No smile, and no warm gaze.
It made me think that he despise me..
because when I tried to reach him.. he walks away..
I guess he really detest me that much..

But I can't stop loving him, even after these years.. even after hurting myself.. even after hurting Jungkook..
I still missing him, missing his touch, the way he hold my hand and the way we hugged.
I really miss it all.

I guess even now after all that happened, I am indeed still selfish..
This selfishness that killed him in the first place..
But I can't get rid of it..

------------

It was months since we date.

And my feelings didn't change.

I still love him as much as  I did since I fell for him for the first time. His smile, his mint hair that covers one of his eye when he tilt his head, his hands that hold me tight, I love it all. All sides of him, I love them. 

Even when he broke down, I didn't feel a single hate inside me, because all I felt was my heart shattered to pieces when he went into that state. 

It broke my heart seeing him locking himself in the bathroom without being able to do anything.
It was because he always locked the door, not allowing me to go inside. How worried I am when he did something like that.
Also when he woke up in the middle of the night because of his nightmare, and trembling until morning in my embrace. It broke my heart alot. My insides felt like turning upside down whenever he went into that state.

One day... 
I really want to tell him, please don't fight it anymore... 
please stop.. because I can't stand watching him suffering so much..
But I can't say it..
after all, he start the fight because of me..
he endure all those because of me..
So, I have to support it until the end..

I really hope the end will be something good.. something happy..

but it turns out.. it was not.

Thinking back.. he hint it so many times.. or even he clearly said it.. of what words can truly heal him.. 
but then, I didn't realize.. or honestly.. I was ignoring, because of my selfishness, because I'm afraid and because of my insecurities, which now I thought it was a really trivial and insignificant, because the price that I had to pay was.. 

Yoongi's life.

If I knew it back then.. I would have said it thousands and million times..
but again, regretting is something useless..

--------------

That night I was quite relaxed.. because works didn't demand so much, though my boss and colleagues are all so annoying and always bothers me. But I have to keep with all of that, because after all it's really hard to find a job these days.

It was Friday, and Yoongi and I always meet at Friday and weekends. Its our fixed time together. Well... we didn't set up or make kind of regulation about that, it just comes naturally.
Usually he stands there at the train station where I have to transit, it was always the same place, same place when the first time he waited for me..

But that day, it was really unusual. He wasn't there. 
In my head I was thinking he must thought that I will get home quite late, because actually It was not my usual time to get off from the office yet. 
Well, that day I didn't work overtime, I want to spend that day with Yoongi.

To be honest I was quite disappointed not seeing him waiting for me. But I will met him once I got to his apartment anyways. So I just reassured myself that its no big deal.

Even if we have dated for months, I still feel nervous when I saw his apartment building. it never change. My feelings as well. My heart still beat the same rythm whenever I am with him.

That day, I want to talk to him a lot, just chilling and share each other story is enough for me. I really hope he can share his too. 

Somehow I think he has a lot of lump that he needs to get out of his chest. But he always restraint, and it makes me quite sad, and upset perhaps..
because it makes me think I am not worthy enough..I am not good enough.
but then, I always shake off that kind of feelings, I just reassured myself that Yoongi has told me everything.. afterall.. he loves me... isn't it?

He isn't my father..
He loves me sincerely..
and he will never leave me..
right?

My mind was still wandering when I input his apartment password and went inside, I expected seeing Yoongi surprised to see me this early. But I didn't see any sign of him being at home. 
He's not on the sofa where he usually sitting on. I went to his room, which sometimes my room as well, but he's nowhere to be found.

I suddenly think of the bathroom..

I heard the faucet..

He must be inside..

I tried to knock the door and calling his name..

But he didn't answer..

Is he okay?

My mind sending me alarm of several bad things..

I felt my worry crept in.. and it suddenly makes me hard to breath..

I open the bathroom door so hard till it open completely..

There I saw Yoongi.. 

He's all wet..

the faucet at the bathup kept running and overflow..

Yoongi just sitting there.. while hugging his knees.. trembling..

He only wear white t-shirt and jeans.. which is now wet all over..

His eyes..

are so lost..

I ran to Yoongi, turning off the faucet and pull him into my tight embrace..
he still trembling.. 


"Yoongi ya......

I call his name softly. I always does this when this thing happened to him. But this is the first time I see him in this severe state, it breaks my heart, it hurts, seeing him in that so vulnerable state.

He always push me away and hid in that bathroom while locking the door.
Shouting and pleading me to leave him alone..
But of course I can't.. I want to know everthing about him.. including his dark self..
but it seems he couldn't open up to me more about that yet..
He always push me away..
And its really bothers me... I always frightened to death when he lock himself in that bathroom.. 
I was really afraid something bad happened to him..
I always wait in front of the door..waiting for him to come out and talk to me..
But always..whenever I waited, the next thing I remember is I found myself on the bed, in his embrace... and the next morning.. the Yoongi I know is back...
He never muttered a single words about what happened the night before, and what state he was in when he lock himself in the bathroom..
I always want to know.. that way I can be of help for him..

And finally that day, when I saw the state he was really in... my heart sunk, then break to pieces..

He looks so vulnerable, so much in pain, sorrow, confusion, regrets flashes in his eyes..

Going in to the bathup in which the water still overflow, I hugged him tight, I hope to be able to at least make his body stop trembling.
He was really cold it scares me. 
I tried to drain the bathup, it takes time to drain all that water, but I also don't have enough power to lift Yoongi up.
and that's excantly the moment when I regret being a frail girl.


"Yoongi ya.....

I call his name once again, hoping to get some response from him. But he keeps silent, his body still trembling hard in my embrace.

"It's okay..... I'm here with you..

I said in his ears. then I feel he tightened the hug, in which I feel relieved about, at least he feel me, and he slowly coming back to surface.


"I'm sorry.... Im sorry Mom... I'm sorry...

It must be burning... and painful.. I'm sorry...

It must be burning like I am now... I'm sorry...I know its painful... I shouldn't have left you.. I'm sorry.."


Yoongi keeps chanting those words..
and it breaks my heart even more..
He really blame himself.. to the point that he felt himself burnt.. to the point that the pain of burning flesh was embodied in him. 
He can't stand the pain of burning that he has to drown himself in the water.
My tears start to dwell up.. I kept hugging him.. this state where Yoongi is in, is too much heartbreaking for me.. and he hid this from me for so long.. he suffering by himself.. even if I stay by him all this time..

My heart really aching, I have hard time breathing...

"Yoongi ya... I am here... please... comeback... I am here Yoongi.... You are good.. please don't trap yourself there.. don't blame yourself.. 
you did nothing wrong.."
I keep whispering to his ears., hoping he can hear and feel that I was there by his side..


I don't know for how long I hugged him..
I don't know what else to do to calm him down..
I don't know what words I should say to make him better..
And what I can do was stay with him..


"Y/N...

I suddenly heard him calling my name, I was so shocked that I break the hug and cup his face, checking all over his face worriedly..

"Yoongi ya.. are you okay ?" I look at his eyes

The Yoongi I knew is back.. he looks so confused, but then when he realized what state he was in.. his eyes looks so defeated.. he disappointed at himself.
And my heart hurts seeing that flashed of change in his eyes. 

Please Yoongi, don't feel like that..

"I'm sorry Y/N... I... I must have looks terrible.... " He said to me, looking away from my eyes.

" I.. I don't want to let you see me in this state... it just... a lot... severe that what you usually saw... I am so weak.." he said... he broke down to tears.

Unknowingly my tears broke down again.. I pull him into an embrace once again.. 

Yoongi ya.. how can I erase that pain of yours ?

"I love you Y/N.. I want to be strong... but it seems... I can't... I can't forgive myself still... and that guilt... attacks me all over.. " he said in his raspy voice and crying.

"Yoongi ya... you did nothing wrong.. please.. don't blame yourself... you can fight it... I am here with you.. " I said that words hoping it could heal him somehow.. I tried to control myself, my chest and my heart hurts, its getting difficult for me to breath.. my tears was all over.
but compare to my pain, Yoongi's pain is much and much more huge.

"Y/N.... I love you.... but I... " Yoongi said weakly.. I could feel his breath when he buried his face on the crook of my neck.

I felt that he was going to say something.. but again he restrained. and instead he keep hugging me tightly..

"Y/N do you love me?" He asked me quite suddenly, I was surprised at the sudden change and question.

And that question is the most frightening question Yoongi ever made. I love him with all my heart for sure. I want to say it, but then.... my fear crept in.. and I can't.. I'm afraid.
Then, to that questions which he ask everytime.. the same answer was always..

"I like you a lot, Yoongi ya.." I answered.

Again, I can't say that words that he might want so bad to hear from my mouth.. 
My fear and selfishness won't let me saying that words..
but if only I know the impact of that words for him..
I would have said it millions of times..

----------

Loving you is difficult..
knowing what's in your mind is difficult..
knowing what's in your heart is difficult..
if only human can know whats inside each other heart by looking at their face..

----------

Seing your loved ones break down indeed was really painful experience..however the fact that Yoongi hid that from me was even more heartbreaking. 
All this times we've been together, he keeps fighting alone.

Am I not reliable enough?
Am I not good enough?
Those questions keeps repeating in my mind.

Ever since that incident, it seems I really can't concentrate at work, and thus I always work overtime.. but I can't stop worrying over Yoongi.

I want to see him everyday.. but our time won't let us.. so I have to satisfied with just phone call.

One night, my works piling up that I need to stay at the office late, its more stressful because all my bosses and supervisors were there at the office as well. They ask me to buy them coffee, drinks, snacks and what not. It stress me out, but still I have to do it. I feel like crying... and in that one moment I miss Yoongi so much.
If only he was here to hug me....

I am laughing at my silly thought.. I must have been missing him so much.. even if I met him 2 days ago.. and literally just phone him few hours ago.. but still I miss him alot.
I was staring from that convenience store near my office, while drinking coffee and waiting for my coffee orders to be completed.. it must be nice to take days off and spend them with Yoongi.. 
So that I don't have to sickly missing him and worrying over him.

Suddenly I felt someone touch and hug behind me. Someone backhugging me. I was so perplexed and shook. I was ready to scream.. but that familiar sigh restrain me from doing so.

It was Yoongi.

Out of nowhere, Yoongi is here and hugging me?

Is it me hallucinating again?

"I miss you.." He just whispering those words to my ears, I got chills, that burning sensation everytime we touched, something which I can't get used to.

It was really him.

I break the hug, turn back and look at him.

And when I look at the state he was in, my heart sunk.. then shattered to pieces.

He got some wound here and there, on the corner of his lips.. on his forehead..

"Oh my Gosh Yoongi... what happened?" I ask worriedly.. looking at every inch of his face, what happened to him. Did he fight? or someone hit him?

My hands was gonna touch his cheek.. but he grab it and pull it. He drag me out of that convenience store, without answering to my questions.
I have to know what happened to him.. why is he in that messed up state.. I just.. don't want anything bad happened to him. But no matter how many times I asked, he didn't answer.

"Yoongi ya.. where are we going? and what happened to you? Please look at me.. answer me" I plead him, but he just drag me away

"We are going home.. " He just said that and drag me continuosly to his apartment.


My heart was in pain. Why he's like this. Why can't he tell me what happened to him. Again I'm feeling unworthy, and I feel big lump in my chest makes me hard to breathe.

Arriving at this apartment, I immediately look for first aid kit. Yoongi just sit on his sofa, with blank expression while staring at me who is currently in front of him, tending to his wounds. 
It must be hurt, the wounds. But he didn't react nor flinch. He just stare at me with such intensity in his eyes. And I can't read what that eyes holds, what's going on in his mind. 

How I wish I could.

"Yoongi ya... you still don't want to tell me?... " I said, while putting band aid on him then closing the first aid box.

I saw he looks away.. Is it really that hard to tell me what happened?

"Just beating some shitty guys... " he said shortly.

As far as I remember, the Yoongi I know is not a guy who likes to get into trouble, beating people without any reasons. He must have reasons. But what is his reasons, why he couldn't tell me.
I was gonna ask him why.. but out of a suddent he pull me into hug..
The scent which I familiar with clouded my brain.. and I love it.. I feel his breath on the back of my neck, and his whisper on my ear.

"Y/N... can you just stay with me.. here?"

What do you mean Yoongi...

"Can you just..  leave your job and everything then stay here with me?"  He said softly to my ear.

He sound so desperate, pleading me with his weak voice. 
At that one moment, I was ready to throw everything away just to stay with him.. but again I was conflicted..
My heart instruct me to say yes,,
however my logic, my brain disputes.. I can't throw everything away.. I have Jungkook..
What will happen to Jungkook if I stop working really bothers me.. I can't give up everything so easily,  I can't be that irresponsible.. 
I don't want to be someone who abandons.. just like that man, my father.

"I want to.... but then.. I can't" I said softly to him.

Then he broke the hug and look at my eyes. His eyes look so disappointed and I felt a tug in my heart instantly after.

"Y/N.. don't you love me?"

That eyes of his.. which now staring me, I can't stand to look at them. 
Especially when he ask that question.

Because..
that questions is what I feared the most..

"I like you a lot Yoongi ya..... "

same answer..

His eyes looks more disappointed, he smiled weakly, looking away from my eyes, he said, "It's late already, just stay the night here"
Then, he walked away..  out of my sight..

And I felt my chest hurt again, I hurt Yoongi.

that eyes of his who looks so disappointed at me, I can't stand it..

But then at that time..

why can't I said those words he would like to hear the most?
why can't I said clearly to him?
why can't I give him my full support till the end?
why can't I be his true cure?

------------------

After that day.. Yoongi feel so different. or its just my feelings..I don't know..

We still meet and talked like normal couple would do. But the way he look at me. that eyes of his.. i can't describe it very well.. but to me he look different..
But I brushed of that thought. I just thought, that's normal in every relationship, you can't have an always flaming relationship, there always some days when it feels plain. 
Even if for me, the way I felt for Yoongi is the same and never change. I still felt my heart beat fast when I near him.

Little did I know that.. at that time Yoongi was going through his lowest point of his mental state, and I foolishly can't catch that sign.
Or perhaps.. I am the one who cause him to fall into that hole..
I was the trigger..

It was a night when my office work killing me. Yes I am still working at that small company, even if Yoongi numerously ask me to just quit and stay with him, but again I can't.. 
I can't be that irresponsible.
That night I have to do overtime really suddenly. The worst is., it was our anniversary day. I have plans since morning, and I have to get off from office early that day. 
But my boss just ruin everything, and now I have to clean up everything he messed up. 
Yet, he still went off at me about that.

But the most important thing is I have to get to Yoongi's apartment as quickly possible, so when my boss swearing at me unjustly, I just swallow it, keep up with it. 
It's the way I cope with all this bad things around me. 
It's wrong I know, and unhealthy. 
But what else I can do?

It was almost midnight when I finished everything. 
The worst.

I checked the cake that I have prepared since afternoon. I just sigh looking at it, the icing has messed up.. but at least its still presentable. 
At least, it is Yoongi's favorite cake. I can picture his expression and chubby cheeks when later he eat that. It brings warm to my heart and smile to my face. I can't wait to meet him.
I imagine how surprised and happy he will be when I give him the cake and celebrate our anniversary. I smiled from ear to ear imagining his expression.
But I can't avoid to feel worry, because I was so late. What if he's mad..

I get into his apartment after inputting the password, I saw living room light were dimmed. 

I saw Yoongi sitting on the sofa he usually sit on..

He got up and walks towards me..

"Yoongi ya.. sorry I'm so late.., but look what I brought" I smiled and said cheerfully while showing him the cake. 
Well I know he will be mad but, he won't be that mad right if I bring him his favorite cake, that was my thinking.

But I was so wrong. Because the next thing he did was throwing away that cake..

The cake plopped on the floor, smeared, and ruined.

My heart sunk..

it's painful.

I felt my tear accumulating..

and my anger build up, it was the first time I felt so much anger towards Yoongi..

I just couldn't understand the way he acted.


"Where were you? Do you know how long I waited? Do you know how worried I am waiting here and you didn;t pick up your phone ?!" He shouted.

I felt I can't keep calm anymore, it was my limit. I took a deep breath, my tears swell up already, ready to come out at any seconds.

"Don't you think its too much? do you know how hard I prepared for that cake?? for our anniversary?? do you have to toss it away like its some insignificant thing? 
Do you how harsh my day today? and you just make it worse" I shouted to him, my angers control me already.

I feel my tears ready to flow but I hold it in, no, I can't cry first..

"Whats with that cake anyway.. I don't need it... and what are you doing? I have told you already to quit that job!" He shouted back, sounded angrier than me.

I tried to take a deep breath, and controlling myself. This fight will get us nowhere, that was I thought. 

"I told you Yoongi ya.. I can't.... " I said softly... My tears finally flow.. one by one.. It hurts.. tonight was supposed to be our sweet anniversary, but instead we just throw mean words and glaring at each others. I don't want this.

"Why.. ?" He asked, he lowered down his voice, but I can still feel angry tone on it.

"Do you even love me in the first place?" He asked again, his sarcastic tone really hurts me. And something inside me snapped.

"Why you always ask that? don't you trust me? do you really have to hear that damn words ??" 

I replied angrily, uncontrollably, my tears keep flowing. This kind of fight.. its really drain too much of my emotion and energy.

At that time I was so dissapointed, angry at Yoongi.
I have enough..  everytime he ask that questions, part of my heart was shattered.. it hurts.. if only he knows how I felt and why I can't said that..

Gathering my controls again, I took deep breath. But indeed I was still angry.. I glare at him

"Okay if you want to hear it so much..

NO, I don't love you Yoongi, I hate you"

I said that words so coldly, then I turn away, getting out of his sight.

And he didn't stop me..

I guess this is the end?

I felt a pain burning my chest.

its really hurt.


The truth is I love Yoongi..but he was just too much.. 
It breaks my heart too much I can't stand him that day.

Arriving at home I went straight to my room. Ignoring Jungkook who ask me what happened, then locked my room door, and cried to my heart content.

Yoongi's a fool

I am also a fool.

Why can' t he understand?

But why I can't understand him?

Why we can't tell each other the truth to make us understand each other?

just why...

---------

I was crying to sleep. But once I wake up, the pain hits me again.. Yoongi.. its only what on my mind.. looking at the clock, It turns out I only slept 2 hours.. thus its still so early in the morning, around 4.

I still remember how Yoongi's look when I said that words.

"I hate you"

He looks so hurt

Is he okay?

Then a fear crept to my heart I don't know why.

Perhaps I was too much.. 
My words were so harsh at him..
I am such a fool..

I have to apologize to him. I grab my phone in a hurry, but the battery dead.
Without thinking I was going to his apartment again.
I have to let him know, and apologize to him at that moment instantly.

But then..

When I get into his apartment..

It was empty

I didn't  see him anywhere..

Then I hear the sound of faucet from the bathroom..

My heart sunk..

My feet feels cold.

No..

Please no..

I opened the bathroom..

And he was there..

I can't find my breath.. I was trembling so hard..

Because what I saw was..

Yoongi.. 

lying unconsciously at the bathup..

with a pill bottle on his hands.. empty..

------------
To Be Continued

------------

And that was Part 7. TT_____TT I can't handle writing about that Yoongi moment.. TT____TT

I honestly not quite satisfied with this part. Maybe I could re-read everything and did some revision later. 

And again my grammar is a mess. 

But well that's it for now.

I will try to update this coming Wednesday or Saturday or Sunday, lol, my works keep piling up.

Anyways,

see you next time.