TRIGGER WARNING!
This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.
You can read previous part here:
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 1
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 2
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 3
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 4
Burn - Part 5
Author POV
The girl who was abandoned.
Love is a heavy word for her.
She couldn't bear to say it,
for the word hold so many promise in which she wasn't not sure of herself can keep that promise.
It's all because the thing love did in the past.
Her first love, her father, betray her.
Her father was an ordinary father, like everyone else father. Kind, loving, caring, a family man he is.
She felt so blessed to have such an ideal family, that perhaps everyone else envy about.
Loving words were thrown at each other in that family, between her father and mother at that time like its their daily routine.
"I love you"
She always hear those words from her father lips. Then her mother smiled followingly afterwards.
She always thought those words were all truth, sincere.
But little did she know, it was all a facade, a facade that tend to break down in a whim.
And in the end, it happened.
She saw it, She heard it clearly that night.
"I love you"
Those words were muttered by her father as usual, but then.. it was not her mother who received it.
It was another woman.
At that time, everything around her darkened and eventually pitch black..
She was confused,
Why? Why her caring, loving father do something like that to her, and to her mother.
She can't understand.
Didn't he love them?
Was the "I love you" that he said everyday was all lie?
Soon after, her father abandoned her, and her mother.
Why he said he love them if in the end he abandoned them?
She always wonders, and asks.
Is it because she was not good enough that her father abandoned her?
If so, she would like do better, she would like to do anything to make her father come back..
But he never did.
He abandoned them
He never came back
And those words she thought was sincere, it turns out to be a lie.
Thus she couldn't bear to say those words.
She didn't want to be as irresponsible as her father who in the end abandoned her.
She didn't want another person to experience that pain, even more her loved ones.
She love.. of course she can..
but she couldn't say those words.
She couldn't bring herself to say it.
But then, it was a mistake which she regrets forever..
Y/N POV.
I always wonders in which part of our life was wrong. Which wrong turn that we take? Which part I need to revise, to make all of these things not crumbled.
My mind always wandering..
In this empty house, tonight I'm alone..
And it's really the worst.
Nothing can distract me from all of my bad thought.
I was staring at the night sky,
It's cold..
but I don't care..
What can cold do anyway? My heart already bleeding so much, I wish to freeze it.
What more pain can it make? I'm already in too much pain I can barely bear.
I always trying to learn from life, from experience.
But somehow it doesn't turn out well for me.
I learnt not to say I love you easily.
But then.. I was wrong..
I regret that I didn't get to say those words to Yoongi.
Soon after, I learnt to sincerely say those words to someone I really love..
But then.. I was wrong again.
Because I hurt Jungkook because of those words.
If only we could understand someone just by looking at their eyes, perhaps I wouldn't make such mistakes.
If only I could understand him before all of it happens..
before I was pulling the trigger..
Yoongi again.
Yes, he keeps coming in my dreams these days.
I really want him to take me with him, but he always vanish before my hand could reach him.
Does he hate me that much? My heart is in pain again, even in my dreams.
I missed him so much.
I want to hold that hand again, just one more time, to feel that warm and happiness again.
I would do anything to do that.
But when reality hits me, I'm in pain again.
............
The way he was holding my hands always succeed to make my heart race,
he always intertwined our fingers.
That way, somehow I feel safe.
It was the day after I spent the night at Yoongi's place. Nothing happened that night, which I already expected, Yoongi is not that type of guy who will take advantage of a woman.
I even thought it was cute, the way he left a memo at the nightstand and left afterwards.
That day was surprisingly quite ordinary, office work was still stressful, but then its nothing I'm surprised of.
But my mind keep thinking about him. What did he do? what kind of food he like? what is his family like? what kind of past he has?
and most importantly, what happened to him at that night? what did he meant by he killed?
My mind keeps wandering while I was going home from work.
It was at the station where I have to transit when all of a sudden, I heard him
Yes, I heard Yoongi's voice.
And its bad, because it seems my lovesick is reaching chronic level, I started hallucinating.
I keep walking to ignore it, but not until I was being pulled, someone tightly grab my hands.
It was Yoongi..
The real one he is.
His mint haired which cover one of his eyes.
And that pale veiny hand of his which now grip my own tightly.
His eyes looked straight at me, flustered.
"Y/N.... why are you avoiding me ?" He asked with his flustered eyes.
No I wasn't avoiding you, I thought I was hallucinating.
My mind speak, but my mouth couldn't.
So I just stare at him. His eyes drew me in again, I was drowning again in him. And its bad, I know.
"We need to talk" He said, and then pull me to follow him.
I looked at our hands, it's intertwined, and that my tummy feel ticklish, it's weird.
I wonder where Yoongi would take me. But I don't care anyway, because my mind still amazed at how his touch sends this kind of feeling to me. It's dangerous, but I love it.
We were at a park, again, but not the same park as yesterday, when I hugged him.
The thought of me hugging him makes my cheek burn.
I'm surprised at my own action yesterday, how can I have the audacity of hugging a man whom I just met three times.
That park was near a beach, where I can watch the vast sea. We arrived at the end of the park, where we can see the glittering sea. It was beautiful.
Yoongi let go of our hands. And I feel somehow dissappointed as soon as that warmth left my hand.
He was walking towards the handrail, facing the sea in front of him. One of his hand hold the handrail while looking at me.
Again, I was in awe. His mint hair was glittering, soft wind brushes that hair. I feel the urge of touching that hair, feeling it with my own hands. Sure, I'm already crazy.
"Y/N........
"I'm sorry.......
He said, while looking at my eyes. I was still admiring his beautiful hair when he said that words, immediately I shifted my gaze to his eyes. That eyes were staring at me with lot of regrets.
"What for.. ?" I asked, purely out of curiosity, but it seems that my choice of words makes him thinking I was mad about something, which is not the case.
He walked closer to me, now he's facing me, really close.
Again, this kind of close proximity makes me hard to breathe. Dear Min Yoongi, I still want to live, I was chanting in my head continuously.
With his eyes still locked at mine, he said
"For yesterday.... in the morning.. I just left you like that.. I should have said something.. I should have explain something.. But I just left.."
He paused. I didn't say anything. I want him to finish his words. Actually I really hope he can open up to me, what happened that night, what's really bothering him.
So, I just wait.
He sigh.. and continue his words.
His eyes looks worried and nervous.
"I don't know what to say to you... its just... yesterday... I mean when I did something to you.. uh in that Music Shop.. I'm sorry..
I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry for shouting at you and running like that..
I was out of my mind...
because it was a really hard day for me..."
That is the longest sentences I ever heard from him. I can't help to be happy and feeling special.
Is it okay to feel like this? But then, that feeling already crept to my heart and stay there.
He brush his hair, looking away from me.
"Why..... it was a hard day for you? " I asked carefully, not to mean to be prying his personal space, but I can't help to be curious, I want to understand him and know all the thing about him.
He looks at my eyes again
"It was my mother's death anniversary" He said shortly.. his eyes.. looks so sad, full of sorrow..
I lost for words, I don't know what should I say to him, to erase those hint of sadness from his eyes. But my brain couldn't come up at any appropriate words.
I was just staring at him again..
How I wish to just give him a comfort hug, but my body wouldn't move.
Seeing how that eyes of him looks even sadder, I immediately know that he lost hope to open up himself to me..because the next words he said was,
"Sorry, it wasn't your business.. so... please just disregard what I said just now... " He said with that disappointed eyes.
No, I don't want this, I want him to open up to me, I want to know him better, please don't turn away.
He looks away from my eyes, widened the gap between us, and how I felt a slight tug in my heart when he does that.
When he was about to turn away.. again my body moves by itself..
I grab his hand tightly.. and pull him closer to me....it surprised me..
He looks so surprised when I did that, in fact, I'm also surprised at myself even more when I said,
"Can I go to your place tonight ?"
.............
It was so awkward.
I cursed my self internally, I want to bury myself somewhere far away.
What the hell happening to me, and what the hell happening to my brain, my sensoric and motoric nerves seems broke already.
What kind of girl ask a man to spent the night (again) at his place so willingly.
Gosh he must be thinking I'm some cheap girl or something.
I must be out of my mind. I grab my hair, frustrated with my own self.
Fortunately he was out of my sight, perhaps making some tea, because he mention about tea earlier. I'm really glad he didn't see my wrecked self now.
I kept fidgeting in my place, I was sitting on his small sofa in the living room.
Empty living room, without any decoration or something which can figure out his personality.
Again, I can't help but curious. He always managed to make me feels like that.
But most importantly now, what should I say to him, what should I do?
Why the hell I said "Can I go to your place?", indeed I'm crazy already.
I didn't realize he was staring at me then sitting beside me at the sofa, I was so busy creating monologue in my mind.
"So, what should we do now?"
I shift my gaze on my left side, he's already sitting beside me, smirking, tea on the table in front of me. Okay Min Yoongi, you are attractive and you have to stop doing that smirk on purpose.
I clear my thought, and collecting myself.
"Do? I mean... I didn't mean it like that.. You know,.. it's not what I mean by "going to your place", please don't assume anything.
I thought it's going to rain, so I just thought its better to.. err.. go to some place nearby? and uhm.. it happened to be your apartment. Yeah.. that's it."
I'm done for. What a lame excuse I made.
"I see, I didn't assume anything.. aren't you the one assuming some thing weird?" He said while smiling.
Damn.
I curse internally. I was going to say something, my mouth already wide opened, but I close it again as I don't have any excuses to make. Yes, I messed up.
"Wha..... okay.. never mind.. I'll go home now.. "
I was so embarrassed and flustered, I just want to disappear to thin air, but well its because of my own foolishness though.
I was going to leave, and already stand up but I felt a tight grip pulled me back, I was sitting again, and now Yoongi's sitting closer to me, its too close, and my hand is still in this tight grip.
At this point I feel that my heart gonna combust at any moment.
He stared into my eyes, feeling sorry.
"I'm sorry... I was just kidding... uh..can you stay here?" He said, with his eyes piercing mine, deep to my soul, how can I say no?
But it seems my brain stop functioning, as I can't reply anything to him. Perhaps that's why he didn't let go of my hands, and I totally has no problem with that.
"Y/N.... I'm really sorry.. for my actions back in that Music Shop.. as I told you it was a really bad day for me.. it was my Mother's death anniversary...."
He stopped for a moment, searching something in my eyes which I couldn't figure out what is he searching for.
"I know.. its not my place to share all of this with you.. I'm just.. " he stopped again, looking away from my eyes, he seems so hesitant telling his feelings to me, and somehow I feel sad about it.
"Tell me... I want to know more about you Yoongi, I want to understand you" I said, giving his hands slight pressure which still grip mine tightly.
He look into my eyes again, and I see hope in that eyes.
He still look hesitant but he continue what he's going to say.
"My mother died.... because of me..." His eyes, looks so sad, it hurts my heart so bad looking at that eyes..
"If only I didn't left her while she couldn't do anything on her own.. she shouldn't have died in that fire"
He said, full of regrets.
That day.. Yoongi opens up to me.
He told me everything, at least that's what I thought.
He told me about that horrible incident, that took his mother's life.
How he's actually able to prevent it, how he regrets it.
and also about that piece that I love the most.
Clair De Lune...
He said, its his mother favorite piece, and his also.
He love that piece as he love his mother.
But that piece and piano, he can't play it anymore as it always suffocating for him and hurts him. He can't bare the pain.
He said, playing piano and that piece burns him. and that's why he's running out of that Music Shop that day, because he's burning and can't bare the pain.
But the rain also fails to put off that flame that burns him.
How he call himself as sick person and as a broken person breaks my heart a lot.
In my eyes, he is still Yoongi, a really mysterious, attractive, yet warm person that stole my heart.
But he can't seem to love himself.
But then, he would like to fight that trauma, all because of me, he said.
I can't help but feeling happy inside.
I want to support him.
He might fail at first.
But I will support him.
I will be his strength.
That's what I thought back then.
But it was a mistake.
I shouldn't have support him to fight,
I shouldn't have start the fight,
I shouldn't have been the reason for him to start the fight.
Because in the end, it kills him.
Because in the end I failed to give him my full support,
the one that he really need.
the words that he really need.
I failed to give it to him.
All because of my weakness and selfishness..
I still remember that day, we talked all night long..
but somehow I didn't feel like we talked for a long time.
to be honest I can spend an eternity talking to him like that, looking into his eyes, holding hands.. and just talking..
but as much as I want to spend time with him.. my body can't resist getting tired.. and he notice that..
"It's late already.... you can sleep in my room.. and change into something comfortable..you can pick whatever my clothes in the closet" he said while letting go of my hands.
I don't want to part yet, I want to be with him. I was going to say, lets sleep together or something along that line. But thank God, my brain still working well, otherwise it will turn into something scandalous.
So I just nodded, I feel a tug in my heart, I really don't want to part yet.
I just gaze at his back while he's leaving the living room going somewhere.
and I just went into his room, to sleep after changing to something comfortable.
Lying on his bed, my mind keep wandering.
One hour,
two hours passed.
I can't seem to fall asleep. I keep thinking about him.
How he must have felt day by day after his Mother died.
While he blamed himself, his trauma, his pain. My heart starts to hurt. Did I fall too deeply? But I didn't regret it.
Yet, I want to know more.
It's really strange and amazing how love did to me, while it's also betrayed me in the past.
A little image of my father flashed passed by in my mid, and I shake that away.
I don't want to remember that man. Just NO.
As I was thinking about a lot of things, two hours passed.
I didn't sleep at all, and I don't seem to be able to sleep.
So I walked out of the room. I guess I want to check on Yoongi.
I saw him sleeping on the sofa, looking uncomfortable and without a blanket on.
So he slept like this when I first spend the night in his apartment. I can't help but feeling sorry, so I brought the blanket and laid it on top of him to keep him warm.
I crouched down, to look at his sleeping face.
He is really cute, I admit.
How he sleep with his arm as pillows, its too cute, too beautiful.
How he breathe slowly and steadily is like music to my ears, somehow it calm my mind.
I was resting my head on the arm rest of that sofa, tilting my head so that I can still see him sleeping.
Again, he is so cute and attractive even while sleeping.
His mint hair, is what attracts me the most. How that hair suits really well with his face, it still amazed me.
I can't help but wanting to feel that hair.
I stroke his hair gently, pushing it to the side of his face.
Staring to his sleeping face makes me remember the pain which he told me.
How he had going through so much pain by himself.
How can I ease that pain?
How can I erase that sorrow?
How can I make him happy, forever, all the time of his life?
I was thinking a lot of thing when I realized he's awake and stared back at me.
He hold my hands which stroked his hair earlier.
I smiled. He did as well.
"You aren't sleeping.. ?" He said with his raspy voice, still holding my hand, he placed my hand on his cheek.
That eyes again. Sadness and regret.
"Yoongi ya......
how can I ease your pain ?" I said.
I guess I got too carried away, But that's what I really felt.
I want to ease his pain, to erase it if possible. I would do anything.
He smiled weakly and look into my eyes.
"Y/N.....
"Please stay by my side...
I think..
I like you..
no..
I love you"
He said.
Strangely it didn't make me flustered, instead I felt only warmth.
My heart feels really warm, it's a bliss.
"I like you too.." my words came out without me realizing.
He smiled, and that warms my heart even more
And at that moment his smile was genuine, it was not a fake nor sad smile.
"That's enough.. for now" He said while his eyes slowly closed.
I rest my head on the armrest.. looking at this sleeping face again..my eyes feel heavy..
and finally we both drift to sleep.. while holding hands.. with a smiled painted on our face..
That day.. is happiness.
...........
To Be Continued
...........
Sooo, Part 5 done. I cringeeee. I think I'm not good at expressing love moment between them. Well, I have not experienced love that much. LOL at my love life.
But anyways, next part will breaks me even more. I think I'm not ready to write about Yoongi's final moment. TT_____TT.
That's why I kind of drag the story a bit, forgive me.
But well, I will update for sure in next part.
So see you, and hope you enjoy.
Please be healty and happy
Byee
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