Anyways without further ado, here it is Part 7.
TRIGGER WARNING!
This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.
You can read previous part here:
Burn - Part 7
Y/N POV
No smile, and no warm gaze.
It made me think that he despise me..
because when I tried to reach him.. he walks away..
I guess he really detest me that much..
But I can't stop loving him, even after these years.. even after hurting myself.. even after hurting Jungkook..
I still missing him, missing his touch, the way he hold my hand and the way we hugged.
I really miss it all.
I guess even now after all that happened, I am indeed still selfish..
This selfishness that killed him in the first place..
But I can't get rid of it..
------------
It was months since we date.
And my feelings didn't change.
I still love him as much as I did since I fell for him for the first time. His smile, his mint hair that covers one of his eye when he tilt his head, his hands that hold me tight, I love it all. All sides of him, I love them.
Even when he broke down, I didn't feel a single hate inside me, because all I felt was my heart shattered to pieces when he went into that state.
It broke my heart seeing him locking himself in the bathroom without being able to do anything.
It was because he always locked the door, not allowing me to go inside. How worried I am when he did something like that.
Also when he woke up in the middle of the night because of his nightmare, and trembling until morning in my embrace. It broke my heart alot. My insides felt like turning upside down whenever he went into that state.
One day...
I really want to tell him, please don't fight it anymore...
please stop.. because I can't stand watching him suffering so much..
But I can't say it..
after all, he start the fight because of me..
he endure all those because of me..
So, I have to support it until the end..
I really hope the end will be something good.. something happy..
but it turns out.. it was not.
Thinking back.. he hint it so many times.. or even he clearly said it.. of what words can truly heal him..
but then, I didn't realize.. or honestly.. I was ignoring, because of my selfishness, because I'm afraid and because of my insecurities, which now I thought it was a really trivial and insignificant, because the price that I had to pay was..
Yoongi's life.
If I knew it back then.. I would have said it thousands and million times..
but again, regretting is something useless..
--------------
That night I was quite relaxed.. because works didn't demand so much, though my boss and colleagues are all so annoying and always bothers me. But I have to keep with all of that, because after all it's really hard to find a job these days.
It was Friday, and Yoongi and I always meet at Friday and weekends. Its our fixed time together. Well... we didn't set up or make kind of regulation about that, it just comes naturally.
Usually he stands there at the train station where I have to transit, it was always the same place, same place when the first time he waited for me..
But that day, it was really unusual. He wasn't there.
In my head I was thinking he must thought that I will get home quite late, because actually It was not my usual time to get off from the office yet.
Well, that day I didn't work overtime, I want to spend that day with Yoongi.
To be honest I was quite disappointed not seeing him waiting for me. But I will met him once I got to his apartment anyways. So I just reassured myself that its no big deal.
Even if we have dated for months, I still feel nervous when I saw his apartment building. it never change. My feelings as well. My heart still beat the same rythm whenever I am with him.
That day, I want to talk to him a lot, just chilling and share each other story is enough for me. I really hope he can share his too.
Somehow I think he has a lot of lump that he needs to get out of his chest. But he always restraint, and it makes me quite sad, and upset perhaps..
because it makes me think I am not worthy enough..I am not good enough.
but then, I always shake off that kind of feelings, I just reassured myself that Yoongi has told me everything.. afterall.. he loves me... isn't it?
He isn't my father..
He loves me sincerely..
and he will never leave me..
right?
My mind was still wandering when I input his apartment password and went inside, I expected seeing Yoongi surprised to see me this early. But I didn't see any sign of him being at home.
He's not on the sofa where he usually sitting on. I went to his room, which sometimes my room as well, but he's nowhere to be found.
I suddenly think of the bathroom..
I heard the faucet..
He must be inside..
I tried to knock the door and calling his name..
But he didn't answer..
Is he okay?
My mind sending me alarm of several bad things..
I felt my worry crept in.. and it suddenly makes me hard to breath..
I open the bathroom door so hard till it open completely..
There I saw Yoongi..
He's all wet..
the faucet at the bathup kept running and overflow..
Yoongi just sitting there.. while hugging his knees.. trembling..
He only wear white t-shirt and jeans.. which is now wet all over..
His eyes..
are so lost..
I ran to Yoongi, turning off the faucet and pull him into my tight embrace..
he still trembling..
"Yoongi ya......
I call his name softly. I always does this when this thing happened to him. But this is the first time I see him in this severe state, it breaks my heart, it hurts, seeing him in that so vulnerable state.
He always push me away and hid in that bathroom while locking the door.
Shouting and pleading me to leave him alone..
But of course I can't.. I want to know everthing about him.. including his dark self..
but it seems he couldn't open up to me more about that yet..
He always push me away..
And its really bothers me... I always frightened to death when he lock himself in that bathroom..
I was really afraid something bad happened to him..
I always wait in front of the door..waiting for him to come out and talk to me..
But always..whenever I waited, the next thing I remember is I found myself on the bed, in his embrace... and the next morning.. the Yoongi I know is back...
He never muttered a single words about what happened the night before, and what state he was in when he lock himself in the bathroom..
I always want to know.. that way I can be of help for him..
And finally that day, when I saw the state he was really in... my heart sunk, then break to pieces..
He looks so vulnerable, so much in pain, sorrow, confusion, regrets flashes in his eyes..
Going in to the bathup in which the water still overflow, I hugged him tight, I hope to be able to at least make his body stop trembling.
He was really cold it scares me.
I tried to drain the bathup, it takes time to drain all that water, but I also don't have enough power to lift Yoongi up.
and that's excantly the moment when I regret being a frail girl.
"Yoongi ya.....
I call his name once again, hoping to get some response from him. But he keeps silent, his body still trembling hard in my embrace.
"It's okay..... I'm here with you..
I said in his ears. then I feel he tightened the hug, in which I feel relieved about, at least he feel me, and he slowly coming back to surface.
"I'm sorry.... Im sorry Mom... I'm sorry...
It must be burning... and painful.. I'm sorry...
It must be burning like I am now... I'm sorry...I know its painful... I shouldn't have left you.. I'm sorry.."
Yoongi keeps chanting those words..
and it breaks my heart even more..
He really blame himself.. to the point that he felt himself burnt.. to the point that the pain of burning flesh was embodied in him.
He can't stand the pain of burning that he has to drown himself in the water.
My tears start to dwell up.. I kept hugging him.. this state where Yoongi is in, is too much heartbreaking for me.. and he hid this from me for so long.. he suffering by himself.. even if I stay by him all this time..
My heart really aching, I have hard time breathing...
"Yoongi ya... I am here... please... comeback... I am here Yoongi.... You are good.. please don't trap yourself there.. don't blame yourself..
you did nothing wrong.."
I keep whispering to his ears., hoping he can hear and feel that I was there by his side..
I don't know for how long I hugged him..
I don't know what else to do to calm him down..
I don't know what words I should say to make him better..
And what I can do was stay with him..
"Y/N...
I suddenly heard him calling my name, I was so shocked that I break the hug and cup his face, checking all over his face worriedly..
"Yoongi ya.. are you okay ?" I look at his eyes
The Yoongi I knew is back.. he looks so confused, but then when he realized what state he was in.. his eyes looks so defeated.. he disappointed at himself.
And my heart hurts seeing that flashed of change in his eyes.
Please Yoongi, don't feel like that..
"I'm sorry Y/N... I... I must have looks terrible.... " He said to me, looking away from my eyes.
" I.. I don't want to let you see me in this state... it just... a lot... severe that what you usually saw... I am so weak.." he said... he broke down to tears.
Unknowingly my tears broke down again.. I pull him into an embrace once again..
Yoongi ya.. how can I erase that pain of yours ?
"I love you Y/N.. I want to be strong... but it seems... I can't... I can't forgive myself still... and that guilt... attacks me all over.. " he said in his raspy voice and crying.
"Yoongi ya... you did nothing wrong.. please.. don't blame yourself... you can fight it... I am here with you.. " I said that words hoping it could heal him somehow.. I tried to control myself, my chest and my heart hurts, its getting difficult for me to breath.. my tears was all over.
but compare to my pain, Yoongi's pain is much and much more huge.
"Y/N.... I love you.... but I... " Yoongi said weakly.. I could feel his breath when he buried his face on the crook of my neck.
I felt that he was going to say something.. but again he restrained. and instead he keep hugging me tightly..
"Y/N do you love me?" He asked me quite suddenly, I was surprised at the sudden change and question.
And that question is the most frightening question Yoongi ever made. I love him with all my heart for sure. I want to say it, but then.... my fear crept in.. and I can't.. I'm afraid.
Then, to that questions which he ask everytime.. the same answer was always..
"I like you a lot, Yoongi ya.." I answered.
Again, I can't say that words that he might want so bad to hear from my mouth..
My fear and selfishness won't let me saying that words..
but if only I know the impact of that words for him..
I would have said it millions of times..
----------
Loving you is difficult..
knowing what's in your mind is difficult..
knowing what's in your heart is difficult..
if only human can know whats inside each other heart by looking at their face..
----------
Seing your loved ones break down indeed was really painful experience..however the fact that Yoongi hid that from me was even more heartbreaking.
All this times we've been together, he keeps fighting alone.
Am I not reliable enough?
Am I not good enough?
Those questions keeps repeating in my mind.
Ever since that incident, it seems I really can't concentrate at work, and thus I always work overtime.. but I can't stop worrying over Yoongi.
I want to see him everyday.. but our time won't let us.. so I have to satisfied with just phone call.
One night, my works piling up that I need to stay at the office late, its more stressful because all my bosses and supervisors were there at the office as well. They ask me to buy them coffee, drinks, snacks and what not. It stress me out, but still I have to do it. I feel like crying... and in that one moment I miss Yoongi so much.
If only he was here to hug me....
I am laughing at my silly thought.. I must have been missing him so much.. even if I met him 2 days ago.. and literally just phone him few hours ago.. but still I miss him alot.
I was staring from that convenience store near my office, while drinking coffee and waiting for my coffee orders to be completed.. it must be nice to take days off and spend them with Yoongi..
So that I don't have to sickly missing him and worrying over him.
Suddenly I felt someone touch and hug behind me. Someone backhugging me. I was so perplexed and shook. I was ready to scream.. but that familiar sigh restrain me from doing so.
It was Yoongi.
Out of nowhere, Yoongi is here and hugging me?
Is it me hallucinating again?
"I miss you.." He just whispering those words to my ears, I got chills, that burning sensation everytime we touched, something which I can't get used to.
It was really him.
I break the hug, turn back and look at him.
And when I look at the state he was in, my heart sunk.. then shattered to pieces.
He got some wound here and there, on the corner of his lips.. on his forehead..
"Oh my Gosh Yoongi... what happened?" I ask worriedly.. looking at every inch of his face, what happened to him. Did he fight? or someone hit him?
My hands was gonna touch his cheek.. but he grab it and pull it. He drag me out of that convenience store, without answering to my questions.
I have to know what happened to him.. why is he in that messed up state.. I just.. don't want anything bad happened to him. But no matter how many times I asked, he didn't answer.
"Yoongi ya.. where are we going? and what happened to you? Please look at me.. answer me" I plead him, but he just drag me away
"We are going home.. " He just said that and drag me continuosly to his apartment.
My heart was in pain. Why he's like this. Why can't he tell me what happened to him. Again I'm feeling unworthy, and I feel big lump in my chest makes me hard to breathe.
Arriving at this apartment, I immediately look for first aid kit. Yoongi just sit on his sofa, with blank expression while staring at me who is currently in front of him, tending to his wounds.
It must be hurt, the wounds. But he didn't react nor flinch. He just stare at me with such intensity in his eyes. And I can't read what that eyes holds, what's going on in his mind.
How I wish I could.
"Yoongi ya... you still don't want to tell me?... " I said, while putting band aid on him then closing the first aid box.
I saw he looks away.. Is it really that hard to tell me what happened?
"Just beating some shitty guys... " he said shortly.
As far as I remember, the Yoongi I know is not a guy who likes to get into trouble, beating people without any reasons. He must have reasons. But what is his reasons, why he couldn't tell me.
I was gonna ask him why.. but out of a suddent he pull me into hug..
The scent which I familiar with clouded my brain.. and I love it.. I feel his breath on the back of my neck, and his whisper on my ear.
"Y/N... can you just stay with me.. here?"
What do you mean Yoongi...
"Can you just.. leave your job and everything then stay here with me?" He said softly to my ear.
He sound so desperate, pleading me with his weak voice.
At that one moment, I was ready to throw everything away just to stay with him.. but again I was conflicted..
My heart instruct me to say yes,,
however my logic, my brain disputes.. I can't throw everything away.. I have Jungkook..
What will happen to Jungkook if I stop working really bothers me.. I can't give up everything so easily, I can't be that irresponsible..
I don't want to be someone who abandons.. just like that man, my father.
"I want to.... but then.. I can't" I said softly to him.
Then he broke the hug and look at my eyes. His eyes look so disappointed and I felt a tug in my heart instantly after.
"Y/N.. don't you love me?"
That eyes of his.. which now staring me, I can't stand to look at them.
Especially when he ask that question.
Because..
that questions is what I feared the most..
"I like you a lot Yoongi ya..... "
same answer..
His eyes looks more disappointed, he smiled weakly, looking away from my eyes, he said, "It's late already, just stay the night here"
Then, he walked away.. out of my sight..
And I felt my chest hurt again, I hurt Yoongi.
that eyes of his who looks so disappointed at me, I can't stand it..
But then at that time..
why can't I said those words he would like to hear the most?
why can't I said clearly to him?
why can't I give him my full support till the end?
why can't I be his true cure?
------------------
After that day.. Yoongi feel so different. or its just my feelings..I don't know..
We still meet and talked like normal couple would do. But the way he look at me. that eyes of his.. i can't describe it very well.. but to me he look different..
But I brushed of that thought. I just thought, that's normal in every relationship, you can't have an always flaming relationship, there always some days when it feels plain.
Even if for me, the way I felt for Yoongi is the same and never change. I still felt my heart beat fast when I near him.
Little did I know that.. at that time Yoongi was going through his lowest point of his mental state, and I foolishly can't catch that sign.
Or perhaps.. I am the one who cause him to fall into that hole..
I was the trigger..
It was a night when my office work killing me. Yes I am still working at that small company, even if Yoongi numerously ask me to just quit and stay with him, but again I can't..
I can't be that irresponsible.
That night I have to do overtime really suddenly. The worst is., it was our anniversary day. I have plans since morning, and I have to get off from office early that day.
But my boss just ruin everything, and now I have to clean up everything he messed up.
Yet, he still went off at me about that.
But the most important thing is I have to get to Yoongi's apartment as quickly possible, so when my boss swearing at me unjustly, I just swallow it, keep up with it.
It's the way I cope with all this bad things around me.
It's wrong I know, and unhealthy.
But what else I can do?
It was almost midnight when I finished everything.
The worst.
I checked the cake that I have prepared since afternoon. I just sigh looking at it, the icing has messed up.. but at least its still presentable.
At least, it is Yoongi's favorite cake. I can picture his expression and chubby cheeks when later he eat that. It brings warm to my heart and smile to my face. I can't wait to meet him.
I imagine how surprised and happy he will be when I give him the cake and celebrate our anniversary. I smiled from ear to ear imagining his expression.
But I can't avoid to feel worry, because I was so late. What if he's mad..
I get into his apartment after inputting the password, I saw living room light were dimmed.
I saw Yoongi sitting on the sofa he usually sit on..
He got up and walks towards me..
"Yoongi ya.. sorry I'm so late.., but look what I brought" I smiled and said cheerfully while showing him the cake.
Well I know he will be mad but, he won't be that mad right if I bring him his favorite cake, that was my thinking.
But I was so wrong. Because the next thing he did was throwing away that cake..
The cake plopped on the floor, smeared, and ruined.
My heart sunk..
it's painful.
I felt my tear accumulating..
and my anger build up, it was the first time I felt so much anger towards Yoongi..
I just couldn't understand the way he acted.
"Where were you? Do you know how long I waited? Do you know how worried I am waiting here and you didn;t pick up your phone ?!" He shouted.
I felt I can't keep calm anymore, it was my limit. I took a deep breath, my tears swell up already, ready to come out at any seconds.
"Don't you think its too much? do you know how hard I prepared for that cake?? for our anniversary?? do you have to toss it away like its some insignificant thing?
Do you how harsh my day today? and you just make it worse" I shouted to him, my angers control me already.
I feel my tears ready to flow but I hold it in, no, I can't cry first..
"Whats with that cake anyway.. I don't need it... and what are you doing? I have told you already to quit that job!" He shouted back, sounded angrier than me.
I tried to take a deep breath, and controlling myself. This fight will get us nowhere, that was I thought.
"I told you Yoongi ya.. I can't.... " I said softly... My tears finally flow.. one by one.. It hurts.. tonight was supposed to be our sweet anniversary, but instead we just throw mean words and glaring at each others. I don't want this.
"Why.. ?" He asked, he lowered down his voice, but I can still feel angry tone on it.
"Do you even love me in the first place?" He asked again, his sarcastic tone really hurts me. And something inside me snapped.
"Why you always ask that? don't you trust me? do you really have to hear that damn words ??"
I replied angrily, uncontrollably, my tears keep flowing. This kind of fight.. its really drain too much of my emotion and energy.
At that time I was so dissapointed, angry at Yoongi.
I have enough.. everytime he ask that questions, part of my heart was shattered.. it hurts.. if only he knows how I felt and why I can't said that..
Gathering my controls again, I took deep breath. But indeed I was still angry.. I glare at him
"Okay if you want to hear it so much..
NO, I don't love you Yoongi, I hate you"
I said that words so coldly, then I turn away, getting out of his sight.
And he didn't stop me..
I guess this is the end?
I felt a pain burning my chest.
its really hurt.
The truth is I love Yoongi..but he was just too much..
It breaks my heart too much I can't stand him that day.
Arriving at home I went straight to my room. Ignoring Jungkook who ask me what happened, then locked my room door, and cried to my heart content.
Yoongi's a fool
I am also a fool.
Why can' t he understand?
But why I can't understand him?
Why we can't tell each other the truth to make us understand each other?
just why...
---------
I was crying to sleep. But once I wake up, the pain hits me again.. Yoongi.. its only what on my mind.. looking at the clock, It turns out I only slept 2 hours.. thus its still so early in the morning, around 4.
I still remember how Yoongi's look when I said that words.
"I hate you"
He looks so hurt
Is he okay?
Then a fear crept to my heart I don't know why.
Perhaps I was too much..
My words were so harsh at him..
I am such a fool..
I have to apologize to him. I grab my phone in a hurry, but the battery dead.
Without thinking I was going to his apartment again.
I have to let him know, and apologize to him at that moment instantly.
But then..
When I get into his apartment..
It was empty
I didn't see him anywhere..
Then I hear the sound of faucet from the bathroom..
My heart sunk..
My feet feels cold.
No..
Please no..
I opened the bathroom..
And he was there..
I can't find my breath.. I was trembling so hard..
Because what I saw was..
Yoongi..
lying unconsciously at the bathup..
with a pill bottle on his hands.. empty..
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To Be Continued
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And that was Part 7. TT_____TT I can't handle writing about that Yoongi moment.. TT____TT
I honestly not quite satisfied with this part. Maybe I could re-read everything and did some revision later.
And again my grammar is a mess.
But well that's it for now.
I will try to update this coming Wednesday or Saturday or Sunday, lol, my works keep piling up.
Anyways,
see you next time.
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