So here is part 4, hope you enjoy.
TRIGGER WARNING!
This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.
You can read previous part here:
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 1
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 2
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 3
Burn - Part 4
Jungkook POV
Rain.
It's raining again today.
The day I finally tell the truth to Noona, and..eventually left her..
I wonder what rain has to do about all of this that happened between the three of us.
Is it a form of consolation?
Or is it trying to make fun of us?
Three of us who don't know how to love.
It was raining, heavily.. when I experienced it.
My first heartbreak.
But well, I denied everything back then.. because it was absurd.. its absurd, obscene, sinned.
What kind of younger brother love his sister as a woman?
But then.. only if I was consistent to do it.. to deny and lie till the end.
All of this mess wouldn't happened.
Why I always messed up everything?
Why I can't do everything right?
On this late night bus, traveling to no where, with rain heavily pouring down the sky, my mind wandered to that bitter memories, my first heartbreak.
I shouldn't think of it as bitter memories now, because back then.. at least I can still feel Yoongi hyung around me..
its better.. a lot better than not seeing him anymore..
if its possible, I would go through millions of heartbreak, if it can bring him back alive.
But what's good to say all of that now?
It's all happened already.
It's useless.
It's been two weeks since Noona back and live with me. It was so awkward at first, but I'm getting used to it. In fact, seeing her around, calm my nerves and again it brings warm to my heart.
Or you can say, I'm happy?
Back then, I have no idea why. Because, I'm just a fool, nobody ever teach me and educate me about all of that things.
I feel kind of bad seeing her working so hard. It just literally 1 week since she came back, and she already so busy finding jobs just to keep food on our table. I know we are not poor, we have money, at least from our parents insurance. But she didn't want to take it, it reminds her of that night, the night when she lost her mother. It's stupid, honestly I think. But then, I don't how its like to love your mother. I don't know to what extend you can love someone. It's just never happened to me. At least before I experienced it myself.
That time, unknowingly, I always wait for her to return from work. No matter how late it is.
But, I'm such brat back then, I just didn't want to show that I was waiting.
When the front door made a sound and opened, I always ran to my room, pretending to sleep. Because when she return to work late, she always come up to my room, checking me if I slept already.
And with that, with just a simple thing like that, I was happy.
I thought it was enough for me. But I was wrong. I want more. I started to get selfish.
That day was the second Wednesday since Noona back. Yes, I always count days since she's back, I feel like everyday is precious.
I was waiting for her, as usual, sitting on the sofa in our living room, watching movies, in which I didn't even pay attention to.
I just need some distraction, because that day Noona was really late. It was midnight already, and she hasn't home. Moreover, it was raining heavily outside.
She never go home this late, I thought in my mind.
What if something bad happened to her?
What if she got accident?
What if she got kidnapped?
What if some weird guy do something to her?
My mind creates millions of what if, and it's really give me chills, imagining bad things happen to her is horrible, I can't stand the thought of it..
I was trying to stay positive.. but when I glanced to the clock, its 00.30 already and she hasn't back..
I can't stand it anymore so I decided to search for her..
but then.. I don't know where she works exactly.. should I go to her office? but where is it at? or to the station? I don't even know which station she usually goes to.
My mind keeps wondering and thinking where should I go first to find her.
All Sort of bad thinking makes me panicked. Pushing that thought away and clearing my head, I grabbed two umbrellas, and go out.
It was still raining heavily. I know Noona didn't bring her umbrella, because now I'm holding on to it. And it makes me worry even more.
Outside the house, I completely don't know what to do, nor where I should go.
That was when I heard someone calling my name.
"Jungkook ah!"
It was Namjoon hyung, he lives in our neighborhood too.
With his hoodie on, I saw him walking up to me, he runs a little with his umbrella on his right hand and his other hand was holding a plastic bag. Seems like he went to convenience store for some late night snack.
"What are you doing in this heavy rain? And this late?" He asked once he reached me.
"Noona, hasn't back yet..." I said with my hoarse and restless voice, I couldn't hide my worry in my voice, at least to Namjoon hyung. He's able to know that I dead worried about Noona.
"Oh my God.. it's late already.. let's go find her together, I'll come with you.."
He said, it somehow makes me relieved a bit. At least I have a company.
"Where should I go hyung.... I.. I don't know where Noona works at.. "
I ask him, strange questions I know because as her brother I should be the one know it better.
Namjoon hyung think a bit and suddenly his eyes brightened..
I can see that he remember something..
"Jungkook ah, you should go to Euphoria, I saw her last week with Yoongi hyung.. and it seems she go there often.."
Let's go! I will go the the station near here, you go to Euphoria, got it?"
Namjoon hyung said while running to the opposite of my direction.
What he said honestly makes me dumbfounded a little.
But my worry takes over so I just ran to Euphoria, that old music shop as fast as I can.
I couldn't stop thinking and wondering what Noona do in that music shop. Because the fact that she know about that music shop is strange enough.
No one hardly ever goes there, except me and Yoongi hyung.
I still remember clearly the way to that Old Music Shop.
Its the place Yoongi hyung like to go the most.
But he never played the piano, he just stare at it from the outside with that sad and dead eyes of his.
When the old man offered him to play, he just shakes his hands politely, and smiling, a fake and sad smile.
His smile was fake, because I know he want to play and really loves to play piano.. but the incident that he told me about, change it forever. Now, playing piano is painful for him.
I was so out of breath when I got there, Euphoria Music Shop. My body was drenched, using umbrella didn't help much in that heavy rain.
There's no one in that Music Shop. But it still opens, well it never closed.. the old man just let it that way, he let everyone come and play that piano.
Seeing that Music Shop was empty, I began to panicked again, I was so sure that Noona will be there, as Namjoon hyung said. But it wasn't, she's not there.
I was running around, not sure where to go, what I can do was running and searching for her around that area.
I reached a kind of park, I'm so tired, my legs feel weak, but I have to search again, I'm really afraid something bad happened to her. I just can't bear the thought of it. Not to Noona.
Amidst the heavy rain, I saw her, in that park, under the trees.
My Noona..
She was sitting down..
She was drenched..
And she was hugging some one..
I don't know who it was until I got closer, close enough to see the two of them..
And that mint haired boy.. I know who it was..
It was Yoongi hyung..
My Noona hugging Yoongi hyung tightly.. tightly till I thought it might break him..
And it was different..
Noona's expression was different..
It was different with the way he hug me..
I feel a tug in my heart, and it hurts.
Yoongi hyung was trembled severely..
He's fallen and trapped in his nightmare again, I know it.. because I ever saw him broke down like that before..
And it really broke my heart, seeing hyung in that state..
But then, what I felt on that day was different..
when I see Noona hugging Yoongi hyung tightly.. it was so painful..
Its more painful than the pain when I saw Yoongi hyung broke down..
the worse thing is, I start to hate Yoongi hyung at that one moment..
I keep asking why and why..
I shouldn't feel that way..
I keep asking my self, do I love her differently?
but I also keep denying.. because again.. its absurd, obscene, its a sin.
Moreover, Yoongi hyung is in that state. but why I was feeling like that.. why I was selfish?
I really shouldn't feel that way..
I tried to fight that feeling..
I was conflicted..
and I was angry at myself..
However what can I do back then? I was clueless, helpless.. I don't know what love is, I don't know how to love..
I don't even understand myself.. let alone to control my own feelings.
Its out of my abilities.
I just can't..
But now.. I regret that..
A lot of "if only" came to my mind..again..
Rain..
always reminds me of a lot of things.
bitter memories.
but I shouldn't remember it as a bitter one anymore..
Y/N POV
He was already standing on the hill.
He was standing at the edge of it.
He had a gun in his hands.
He had the gun pointed at his head.
Before he met me, they were frozen, all of that moments, scenes.
He thought, I was the cure.
But he was wrong.
I was the trigger.
He was standing at the edge of the hill, and I pushed him.
He had the gun pointed at this head, and I was the one pulling the trigger.
The day of Yoongi's funeral, I met his doctor, his psychiatrist.
I heard him saying by chance, "If only he didn't try to fight it..."
At that time I didn't understand what it means..
In fact I didn't understand anything.. anything about him at all.. I didn't understand it..
That rainy day.. the first time I'm seeing the real Yoongi, the broken Yoongi.
But it wasn't him entirely, he concealed a lot of his real self, he tried to stand strong in front of me. He want to be a good man for me, he said.
But I understand it too late, after all of it happened, he already gone..forever
That day, I don't know for how long I hugged him tightly. I can't let go of him, I'm afraid he will break to pieces of I let go of him.
The rain has stop, its already late at night.
Our body were drenched in rain.
It wasn't cold, as it was summer, I was relieved.
I felt his body stop trembling. His head still buried at the crook of my neck, I couldn't deny that his touch makes me shiver, but I tried to pushed it away, my worries takes over my mere lust.
His well being is more important than my insignificant feeling.
Breaking the hug, he look into my eyes.
The Yoongi I know is back.
"The rain stopped already..." he said, while leaning his back against the tree. I follow his action. Now our shoulder touched a little, and it gives me shiver again.
"Yeah...." I said shortly while staring to the empty space in front of me, It was pitch black. Only street lamp gives us some sort of light.
My mind wanders, I really want to ask if he's okay, and what's happened to him at the Music Shop earlier, what did he mean by he killed.
I want to know, I need to know.
But my mind wouldn't allow me to ask him.
As I was busy with my thought, I heard him saying.
"It's late already.. its better if you go to my place tonight" He said, looking away.
I was surprised. It's our third meeting, and he already ask me to go to his place. my mind can't help but thinking strange things, even if I know he's not the type to do something like that.
"I won't do anything... it's just... " He didn't finished his sentences because I replied to him
"I know..." I replied, and to be frank, I know he won't do anything, he just worried about me. I know it.
"Yeah... so let's go.. its near here actually.."
He got up and extend his hand to me. I touched that hand and again it gives me that weird sensation I can't described.
I thought that he will let go of my hand once I get up from my sitting position.
But he didn't.
He trapped my hand, and intertwined it with his.
I didn't say anything, nor I tried to break from his grip,
because I love it.
I love how his touch send me shivers, yet it burn my skin at the same time.
Yes I'm probably sick. Love sick.
We didn't talk much on the way to his place.
But our hands still intertwined.
It was like a dream, just because its only our third meeting but I already feel so much about him.
Yet, I want to feel more, I want to know him, I want to know everything.
Love can makes you greedy it seems, and I won't deny.
His apartment is a normal one. A single apartment, but quite big for one person, it has living room which connects to the kitchen.
But his place feels somehow empty.
There's no family photos, not even one. No decorations, which makes me wonder what kind of person he is, what did he like.
I can't help but curious, and I know its dangerous.
I have to stop wandering my thoughts when he asked me to change my wet clothes to his.
He gave me a black track pants and black hoodie.
So he loves all black outfit, I wrote a memo unconcsiously in my mind.
"You can change to that, and sleep in my room"
He said while giving me the clothes and point his finger to the closed room behind me.
I nodded.
I was going to ask him where he will sleep, but he already went somewhere, bathroom perhaps.
I sighed and went inside the room.
His room is plain, as expected. It has bathroom inside so I just change my clothes there.
I look around the room.
There's nothing. He's really mysterious. I receive a warning from my brain that he's dangerous, but again I was already love sick, so I ignore it all.
I am curious, I can't stop.
I want to know him, I want more.
Fatigue took control of my body.
When I laid down on his bed, I was asleep immediately.
I felt that I was in a dream but somehow it seems real.
In that dream, I feel him.
Holding my hand, he whispered to me..
"Y/N...
I think I like you....
no...
probably.. I already love you...
but I'm broken..
would you fix me...
and be my cure?"
Author POV
It's funny how two souls met.
The one was broken cause she was abandoned, and the other one was broken cause he thought he abandoned.
Two opposites broken souls, yet they attract each other like magnet.
But again, theirs were broken,
when two broken souls crash, they will complete themselves and becomes whole, or....
they will break each other down to ashes.. because it crashes too hard.
.........
The door of his room was opened, he was the one opening it.
Yoongi, the mint haired boy.
He can not sleep, after all of that happened. He feels sort of various things. His mind in complete mess.
And he need his cure.
Park Ah Mi is his cure, or so he thought.
Watching her sleep so soundly calm his nerves.
He loves her. He know it.
Her existence can do this effect of calming his messy mind.
But at the same time, she also makes him want to fight. He want to fight his sorrow, his trauma, he wants to be normal, he wants to get rid of that black hole behind him.
He want to be a good man, for her.
Because the first time he saw her, he can make him strong, he finally able to touch that piano... and play that damn piece.. Clair de Lune..
It's silly, its just because she said she loves that piece the most. How her eyes twinkled when she said she loves that piece.
It can make him willing to touch the piano and moreover play that piece again..
Even if it hurts him..
After a year of closing that black hole that always creep behind him.. he decide to fight it, to get rid of it.
because he found his cure.. or so he thought.
But it turns out it wasn't enough, because today, he failed, he fell into that black hole..
And she's the one who pull him out, today..
He though he's not as strong.. nevertheless he still will try.
He has to fight it..
and he need her..
But then, if she know he's broken..
Would she accept him?
She already saw broken part of him, but its only the surface, he has a lot that he conceal..
and deep down he knows, its still not the time yet to open up himself to her entirely..
He's too afraid to lose her, his cure.
But then, he also feels like he's being selfish.
Its not fair for him to make her fall in with him, yet he didn't tell her his real self, his dark real self.
However again, he need her, he need her by his side, he need her to love him, and he need her to say she love him.
And thus he said to her, while crouching down and staring at her sleeping face,
"Y/N...
I think I like you....
no...
probably.. I already love you...
but I'm broken..
would you fix me...
and be my cure?
Will you love me?"
...............
To Be Continued
...............
Well well.. part 4 done. Is it too long? LOL I can not control the length of my post each part. I just go by the flow. Now its getting complicated. And I explain a lot of Yoongi inner feelings, I will explain Park Ah Mi 's inner self on the next part.
Again, the grammar is a mess, but I don't care. LOL forgive me.
As you know I am JK biased, but I feel like in this fic I neglected him alot. LOLOL forgive me JK. The funny thing is I have this quite big poster of JK, while I was writing this fic, I felt like he's judding me and said "Noona, why you neglect me?" LOL.
So here is the poster I have in my room.
It makes me want to apologize to him. LOL I'm sorry JK,Noona will be good to you from now.
LOL.
Anyway hope you enjoy, I will update part 5 tomorrow (if I have time)
See you on next part.
Byeeh
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