In this part I mentioned some classical piece, but then I wasn't familiar with it, I just put my favorite one and put it then force it to fit into the story, lol, forgive me if the true meaning behind the piece was not appropriate. I'm not a musically knowledgeable, my bad.
So without further ado, here is part 3.
TRIGGER WARNING!
This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.
You can read previous part here:
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 1
[BTS Fanfiction] Burn Part 2
Burn - Part 3
For what reason ones leaves their precious one..
For..their precious one is precious no more..
Y/N POV
Jungkook left me..
I’m all alone..
Serves me right..
I deserve this..
Everythings around me crumbles, despite how strong my grip was. Its just crumbles, I messed up, everything.
All of it..
I thought I was protecting the last remnants of my precious thing in my life. But instead I was burning them to ashes.
All these years I hurt Jungkook.
Yet, I have no idea at all he’s hurting.
I have no idea that it tortures him so bad by staying by my side. All cause of my selfishness.
I was too caught up with my own feelings that I ignore his.
All I thought was myself, to the point that I disregard his feelings, his inner screams, his sorrow which sometimes I honestly can read it in his eyes.
But I ignore it, I pretend I didn’t see it because... I'm just afraid to lose Jungkook too.
I keep convincing myself that I was seeing things. But now its evident that all of it was true.
Jungkook is hurt.
Because of me.
Yet he apologized for it.
While in fact I should be the one apologizing, because again.. I was selfish... I am still now..
Because when now Jungkook is hurt but all I can think about is Yoongi.
My precious Min Yoongi whom I failed to protect.
He left me as well..
Why?
Because for him, I’m not precious anymore..
Because my existence is not enough for him to fight for..
Because I’m not good enough..
But Yoongi, how I wish I could tell you that for me your existence is life itself..
How I wish I could tell you..
I really love you..
"Love".. weighs more than just "Like"..
How I wish to be able to tell you before you close your eyes for eternity..
I always wondered if I can turn back time..
When should I told him those words?
At our first encounter?
Or that time when we play piano happily?
Piano.
That’s what connects us.
It was there when we first met.
It was there when I first falling for him.
And it was there when I first saw himself, his true self, cause he finally open up to me.
“Euphoria, Wednesday 4PM”
I still remember clearly how his voice froze my brain for a second and made my heart beat fast.
At that time, I was questioning myself whether I really am falling for him.
I wasn't sure whether my feeling was right, so I decided to come to him just to make sure.
After two weeks of busy days for finding jobs, I was relieved that finally I managed to get a job, a small one, being a translator in an advertising company is enough to keep food on the table, at least for now.
That day was Wednesday,
I was walking around my neighborhood, actually its quite far, but I guess deep inside I was searching for him.
Yes in fact I have searched about "Euphoria" that he told me about.
It was an old music shop. And that day I finally found it.
A music shop with a glass door and display. A brown piano can be seen from the outside.
Perhaps I’m imagining things, I started to see him playing that piano.
His hands trailing the piano, the sounds are tingling my sense, I can see that he pour himself into that one play.
I want to listen more, without my brain's permission, my body has its own soul, move on its own, I get into that shop.
I was trying to open the door really quietly not to disturb that mint haired boy. But the glass door was creaking, strangely.
I curse internally.
He looked up to me and his eyes widened..
He smiled.
It was really Yoongi.
And he smiled.
I was so mesmerized by that smile, that all I can do was stand still near the glass door just staring at him.
“Y/N.. you finally come” he said
He pat the seat next to him gently, signaling me to sit there.
Was he waiting for me?
I can’t help to feel happy inside, I think I’m sick already.
It seems like I was under his spell, I was already sitting next to him, his scent which I still remember clearly intoxicating me once again, woody and musky, I know it doesn't make any sense.
He sits really close to me, this kind of close proximity makes me hard to breathe.
He starts playing some fun piece, while smiling.
It never fails to mesmerize me how he smile with his cute eyes. Wait, did I just say he’s cute?
I think I’m out of my mind already.
“Pachelbel's” I murmured
He looked at me and smiled, that smile again, I can never get enough.
“You know?” He asked while still playing.
“ I can play a bit...I guess” Yes, I can play it of course, it's a really well known piece, but I play really sloppily, at least I have the intention to try.
“Let’s play it together then” he said while grabbing my hand and put it on the piano.
His touch sends some weird sensation to my skin, I guess I have to get used to this kind of feeling when I’m around him, but I’m pretty sure I would never.
That day, he smiled a lot, I was happy, my heart was so warm.
Honestly I can spend forever just seeing him playing piano and smiled happily.
It was like a dream, a magic shop, an escape place from my daily life.
Its dark already.
I didn’t realize I spent 4 hours already just playing piano together with him, in fact I can spent an eternity just watching him smile.
“It’s dark already, I will take you home” he said while getting up from his seat.
I don’t want to be a burden to anyone so I just can’t accept his offer.
“It’s okay its still early, I’m used to go home around this time” I replied while getting up from my seat, walking towards the door.
“Y/N... “
I was gonna said its okay I can go home by myself in case he insist to take me home, but what he said next is quite unexpected for me.
“Will you come again next week?”
He asked while staring at me, he has no expression, but his eyes were pleading me..
For a moment I was thinking of asking why, but I didn't, because again my mouth doing things by itself and it was against my brain’s will.
“Yes.. I guess” I just replied, and how I was glad I answered with a yes, because a small smile forming at his lips after my answer.
He murmured a thank you while tilting his head, his mint hair cover one of his eye, and I have to admit he is so attractive when he does that.
“You are staring again...” he said while smirking
And I realize I was staring at him this whole time, I was so surprised and embarrassed.
“I.. I’ll better go now.. bye”
I said while hurriedly going out from that shop, hiding my face.
But I stop in my track when I heard him calling my name.. again.. but this time.. in a different tone..
“Y/N...”
He sounds so fragile..
I don’t know how to describe it but he looks so different with Yoongi who played piano with me a moment ago.
“Clair de lune..... is that your favorite piece?”
He asked while staring at me, now blankly.
At that time I don’t understand why he asked that.
Clair de lune..
That one piece was probably like a broken glass..
Piercing through his heart..
Stuck and waiting for someone that able to pull it out.
“Yes, I love that piece so much” I answered
“Next week, I will play it for you” he said.
But his eyes looks sad, hurt, full of despair.
I didn’t know why, perhaps I was oblivious or I just push my hunch away.
I just didn’t want to assume anything about him. Its not my place to think about it.
At that time, after that.. I just went home..
That day I was so happy I admit.
But he.. was conflicted..
He wanted to overcome his sorrow, but at the same time it destroy him.
That one piece was indeed a sharp broken glass, his heart has bled too much.
I wish I could be the one who can tend to that wound, but in fact I just make it worse, and what even worse is I was not aware of it.
While curiosity kills, oblivion can do even worse..
it tortures and it eventually kills.
"Euphoria, Wednesday, 4PM"
Probably his three words that keeps replaying on my mind like a broken cassette.
I came again, that second Wednesday I went to Euphoria Music Shop.
It was raining heavily.. but despite that I still went..
because I promised Yoongi..
because of the look in his eyes when he ask me to come again..
He was pleading..
And I can't stop thinking about that..
What is hidden behind that eyes..
I have to know.. I need to know..
I was drenched. But I didn't feel cold at all, it was summer rain, which I love.
I was standing in front of that glass door, he was there, sitting in front of the brown piano.
His mint hair which cover one of his eyes while he play the piece beautifully, I was in awe once again.
The glass door creaked which I already expected. Yoongi turned his head to my directions.
He smiled.
But it was not the same smile when we met last week. It was a sad smile.
"Y/N.. you really come." He said while still smiling. He gestured me to sit beside him.
I was wearing my standard office outfit, which is white shirt and black pencil skirt. I feel a bit uncomfortable since I was drenched, my skirt was really wet, what even worse is my white shirt I'm pretty sure its see through.
I was fidgeting on my place when Yoongi put his jacket on me, that scent again..
that time, I feel like drowning in his scent, but I love drowning in him. Sure, I was going crazy already.
I can't feel my heart when he touch my wet hair, as expected, his touch gives me weird sensation. I would never accustomed to this kind of feeling.
"Are you okay?" He ask worriedly, guiding me to sit next to him. In front of the piano.
I nodded.
"Thank you for coming" He said while looking at me. He looked so pale, his eyes.. was sad, and dead.
I was going to say something, but I stopped, because he starts playing that piece.
Clair de lune..
It was the most beautiful moment in my life. Yoongi play that piece so beautifully, I feel various emotions in my heart, loneliness, hurt, sorrow..but then again it was beautiful.
My eyes never left him. That mint haired boy.
At that time, I'm sure, I'm really in love with him.
I was drowning in each melodies he produced.
But suddenly he stopped abruptly..
He's out of breath, and sweating, and panting heavily.
"Y/N.. is it really your favorite piece ?" He glared at me. I was shocked. I never met this Yoongi before. The yoongi who is mad, angry and death-glaring me.
"Its a horrible piece!" I hate it!" he screamed.
I was so shocked, cause just a moment ago.. he still smiled, calm, composed. But now he totally looks like a different person, not the Yoongi I know.
I was perplexed, don't know what to do.
Yoongi tried to calm himself, but still breathing heavily. He stood in front of the piano, his left hand was on the piano, tried to withstand his body.
"Yoongi ya.... " I was trying to reach him but he threw my hands away
"Shit!" he swears
Throwing my hands which trying to reach him, he ran out of the music shop.
Again I was dumbfounded.
I was so shocked.
Yoongi ya.. what happened.. what happened to you.. why..
Then again, my body move on its own.. I ran after him.
It was still raining heavily outside. But I ignore it. My mind was a complete a mess.
Where is yoongi.. why he's like that.. is he hurt? is he okay?
I was panicking.
I was nearly give up.. but then I saw him.
His mint hair was hidden between his arms.
He's sitting under a tree in a park, I don't even know which park was it, I don't know how far I've run.
He's hugging himself, burying his head between his arms. His body trembled.
It breaks my heart to pieces seeing him in that state.
What happened to you Yoongi?
I approached him slowly, I was afraid he will run away again.
Then I hug him tightly.
Trying to stop his trembled body.
He was crying sorrowfully.
And again my heart hurts.
"I'm sorry Y/N" He murmured, and I know he's still crying.
breaking the hug, he looks at me. His eyes looks so defeated.
"I tried to fight it.... but....I failed....." he said sadly.
I couldn't understand what he meant.
"I want to be a good man.. just for you.. but I can't.. I never can.." he said while looks at me.
I'm trying to process what he means, but I was drowning again in his eyes. My heart hurts, the way he looks at me.. he was so hurt, helpless and confused.
"What do you mean Yoongi ya.. You are a good man already.. " I said. Trying to comfort him, but I know it fails.
Because the next words he uttered was..
" I will never be a good... because...." He looks away, avoiding my eyes.
"Because I killed"
Author POV
Clair De Lune will always be her favorite piece.
Yoongi's mother favorite piece. Eventually, it is becoming Yoongi's favorite too, just because he watched her mother playing that piece almost everyday.
For him that piece resembles her Mother. Her beloved mother. But as much as he loves her, how the irony turn that love into something that destroys him. That love turns to guilt. A guilt that slowly eat him up from the inside. He looks fine on the outside, but inside, he's broken.
It was a year before meeting the 6 guys. He was so young back then. Young, and irresponsible. No, actually it was just the bad side of fate.
His mother was sick at that time.
She can't get up from bed. The young Yoongi was a good boy, but fate was just so cruel.
At that time he was just obeying his Mother request's to buy some medicine when the horrible accident happened.
Fire. His house was on fire, with his sickly mother inside, trapped.
By the time Yoongi is back, the fire was already widely spread. Still a child, he was shocked and confused.
When his neighbour ask him where his Mother was, he was confused.
"There's no one inside, Mom already get out" he muttered. No.. it was just him speaking his mind assuring himself that his mother was fine, denying the reality.
His neighbours shouted, how come he said that while they surely know that she couldn't get out of her bed.
But the young Yoongi, don't know what to do, don't know what should he reacted.
His mind wondering where his Mother was.
Same questions as his neighbours, but no one can answer.
Yoongi loves her mother too much, that he blame himself for her death.
If only he went back earlier
If only he didn't go out
If only he check and turn off the gas..
and millions "if only" he made up in his mind..
Eventually, he come to conclusion, he killed his mother.
And that way of thinking was eating himself from inside, hurting every corner of his heart.
Piano which he loved so much is hardly touched after that incident.
Clair de lune which he loved so much is hardly heard.
Because all of it reminds him of his Mother,
his love for her,
but the love has turns to guilt, a poisonous one.
He thought he finally found the cure.... but it was not.. it was not strong enough to fight that poison...
.......
To Be Continued
.......
Part 3 finally done! Why do I feel that this part is so short? Anyway, I was lying in Part2 that I mention I'll do Yoongi POV in this part. Suddenly I feel that its better to reveal Yoongi POV at the end of this story. Forgive me, I was caught in a lieeeeeee.
And yes, I put that HYYH Notes story in this part. LOL Hope I won't get copyrighted by bighit.
And yes, I put that HYYH Notes story in this part. LOL Hope I won't get copyrighted by bighit.
Again, the grammar is a mess. lolololol.
Anyway, hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think, and questions me if you have any.
Byeeeh, see you on next part.
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