Hmm lets see.
Anyways, without further ado, here is part 8.
TRIGGER WARNING!
This story contains angst, a deep dark one (abandonment, severe self blame and hatred). So please don't read it if you are not comfortable.Please stay safe and healthy.
You can read previous part here:
Burn - Part 8
Jungkook POV
When my brothers were hurt I was hurt as well. When they were in pain, I was in more pain. They are so precious to me just like that. Because they made me begin. They made me develop emotions and felt needed in this lonely world.
I love my brothers.
However, I didn't know I will feel that same thing towards Noona.
I love her.
That night, when I saw her crying miserably, my heart was cut in slices, it's so painful.
I asked her why.. what happened, but she didn't answer and just locked herself in her room then cried even harder.
I tried to knock the door, but she didn't reply.
It was the second time I saw Noona crying so much. The first time was when her mother died. At that time, I regret I didn't do anything to make her better.
Thus this time, I swear I will erase that tears from her face no matter what.
What caused her so much sorrow?
Last time I saw her was this morning, and she looks so happy, her face blushed while looking at the calendar. In that calendar I saw today' date was circled in pink "with yoongs".
I guess, today is somekind of special day with Yoongi hyung.
I felt a slight tug in my heart. I thought I have been getting used to it, watching my Noona with Yoongi hyung together.
But I guess it's still painful to me. All these months I pretend I am okay and happy that they are together, but inside I felt like dying. As much as I love both Yoongi hyung and Noona, my heart still in pain seeing them together.
But then, as long as both of them happy, I am fine. I am trying to.
However today.. Noona looks so devastated.
She ignored me and locked herself in her room.
What did yoongi hyung do?
Why Noona so devastated like that?
Why did I suddenly think it's because of Yoongi hyung?
Eversince they date, I saw a lot change in Noona's expression.
She was usually so calm, and composed, the one who doesn't how his inner feelings much.
But eversince they dated, Noona seems a lot happier, and that smile, the one that I adore a lot, appears more often in her face.
I was truly thrilled to see it, and I thought, this pain that I felt afterall worth a lot if they genuinely happy like that.
However almost recently I saw Noona's face darkened, a lot of worried show on that pretty face of her. I really want to ask her, what happened, what bother her.
I thought that it's related to their relationship, and thus I don't have any right to pry in.
But that night... I can't stand it any longer.. because Noona looks so devastated.
I have to go to Yoongi hyung.
Ask him anything.. ask him to do anything to make Noona feels better..
And that.. I went to Yoongi hyung apartment.
It was late at night, but for sure I know Yoongi wasn't asleep. He shouldn't be asleep after making Noona cry so hard like that.
I push the bell to his apartment multiple times impatiently.
No one answer nor open the door.
I have no choice but to barge in.
I entered the password that somehow I knew, then the door opened.
In a rush, I barge in to Yoongi hyung apartment. And it's like a mess.. a cake was on the floor, smeared and messed up.
In the dark, I saw Yoongi hyung sitting on the sofa, he rest his head back, closing his eyes.
Are you kidding me?
Is he asleep?
After making such mess?
I felt my blood rising.. I was angry at Yoongi hyung. and this is the first time it ever happened, it shooked me.
with a stomp and hiss, I walk to him, grabbing his collar and shake him to reality.
"Yoongi hyung! are you fcking kidding me right now? you are sleeping?" I shouted to him
He slowly opened his eyes, staring at me blankly.
"Oh its Jungkook" he said shortly, no expression painted on his face.
I have a sudden urge to punch him, but fortunately I can hold it in still.
"What? Noona is crying so hard right now! and what are you doing right here?" I shouted again, I loose my grip and throw him on the sofa again.
Briefly I saw a glint of shock on his eyes once I said Noona is crying, but it turns to blank again, and he laugh then look at me like a mad man.
This side of Yoongi never saw before, and it annoys me.
"Yes, I made her cry.. Haha! she never loves me anyway" He said to me with a smirk then looks away.
I was dumbfounded. What the hell is he thinking? Can he see after all this time he spent with her?
She love him so much, even I, who in fact really inexperience in love can see that Noona love Yoongi hyung so much.
But why he couldn't see it?
I tightened my grip, not to let myself lose control.
"Hyung, noona love you so much, can't you see it?" I said to him softly but inside I am boiling already.
"What do you know Jungkook? You know nothing! oh.. or do you have feelings for your Noona? why are you getting so work up over this thing?"
Those words irritates me, even if its the truth.
I really love Noona.
But the way he said it... it really irritates me.
Thus my last barrier was destroyed, I can't hold it in anymore.
I punch him in the face.
And that action shocked me, because it's Yoongi hyung the one that I punched, Yoongi hyung whom I have utmost respect to.
I was out of breath cause of anger.
And he just stays there on the sofa, wiping his blood from his corner of the mouth that I just punch in.
Then he stared at me and laugh again.
Why Yoongi hyung like this?
Why he seems so off like this?
I keep wondering in my mind, but again anger clouded my brain and I can't stand the man in front of me.
"Why Jungkook? it seems its true.. you love your Noona right?" He said while smirking.
"Then, just take her, I have done with her."
This rascal talked as if Noona is a property, I hate it the most. I can't believe Yoongi hyung is the one who said those words.
It's not how Yoongi hyung usually are, its hard for me to believe.
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself, I don't want to hurt him again. No matter how shitty he is, he is still Yoongi hyung. the one I care about.
"Yes, I love her" I said shortly.
"And I will take her from you, I'm actually happy she doesn't really love you, cause I don't either"
And that was my last words to Yoongi hyung.
I left his apartment almost immediately.
I felt mixed feelings, sad, disappointed, worried, shocked at what I just witness and experience.
Why does Yoongi hyung did something like that? he really looks like someone else.
Or is it the real Yoongi hyung that I never knew until recently?
Back at home, I didn't hear Noona crying anymore, but when I knock on her room door, she still didn't answer. Perhaps she sleeps already.
My head was so dizzy, there's so much going on my head at that moment, and I can't stand it. I need to sleep.
That night.. I was almost in a deep sleep when I heard apartment door opened, then closed again.
I looked at my watch, its 4 AM.
Who's going out at this early hour?
I was so dumb, of course it's Noona, who else living in this house except me.
I can't help to worry, so I just followed her.
And I felt a bit heavy on my heart when I saw her going to Yoongi hyung apartment, after all those words Yoongi hyung said.
I'm afraid Noona will get hurt again.
I can't let that happened.
And that what moved me, I followed her going into Yoongi hyung apartment, few minutes after she got in.
His apartment was dark.
That ruined cake was still on the floor.
I can't see Yoongi hyung anywhere.
But I can hear the faucet was on..
So I follow the sound..
When I heard Noona crying, my heart sunk..
Because what caused her to cry was... Yoongi hyung unconscious body..
Noona was hugging him, crying in hysteria, pleading him to wake up..
My heart was shattered in pieces.
No, it must be not true.
Yoongi hyung..
No..
My last brain cell ask me to call ambulance, and my trembling hands dialed the number..
I wasn't even know what to say, I just said to please hurry.. please save Yoongi hyung..
Please save him..
I beg you..
Please save him..
My tears flows uncontrollably, my chest hurt till I can't breathe..
Yoongi hyung please don't leave me.. please be alive..
Y/N POV
Lying on my bed.. with my windows open.. I can see the night sky full of stars.
It's cold but my heart feels colder, its frozen.
Perhaps its better that way, if its frozen, then would I not feel anymore pain?
Life is hard, but living is even harder.
Yoongi.. could you just take me with you? its so painful down here, could you let me fly with you to that star?
But its not possible right?
You hate me after all.
Yeah, after hearing those words, for sure you hate me.
I heard a sirene for a far.
I hate that, because it reminds me of that day..
when I lost Yoongi.
-----
The ambulance which brought Yoongi, me and Jungkook dashed through the crowded traffic.
I kept holding his hand which now getting cold.. my mind, heart everything was a mess.
Please don't do this to me Yoongi, please don't leave me, please...I kept chanting those words over and over again in my head.
My hands was trembling, I don't know what to do, what to say,
Even when the paramedics ask me what happened, I only can say "pills".. and "please save him".. then kept crying..
Jungkook who sit in front of me, can't say anything either, I saw him crying as hard.
I am trying not to lose hope..
Even if the emergency room lights were off, and the doctors went out with a regretful face..
I was still trying not to lose hope..
Even.. even when they announce the time of death..
I still couldn't believe it.. as he was still there lying on the bed..
Even if his eyes closed, he must be just sleeping.. like he used to..
And tomorrow he will wake up, hold me just like he usually does.. right?
Yoongi won't leave me..
Yoongi will stay with me..
Cause after all..he loves me..
right?
---
Ever since that day, I felt like I was falling into a deep dark abyss..
It's too much for me to bear..
Why Yoongi?
Why he left me?
Is it because of that words?
So.. I am the one who drove him to death..
I am the one who kill him..
---
I was barely can stand the ground again.. and its because of Jungkook.
He was always there beside me, even though I know he was also devastated. Yoongi is like his brother after all, but he was being strong for me, so that I don't break apart.
But then.. as much as I tried not to break apart.. my heart was broken to pieces again.. when I know the truth..
It was that morning, when an old man suddenly rang the bell to my apartment. His name was Bang Shihyuk. He was Yoongi's psychiatrist.
We sat down and he talked, about Yoongi.. even if it might be hard I am really curious about him.. I need to know the reason he did all of that.. and I need to know... the real cause of his.. death..
"So.. Ms. Y/N .. are you really okay? its going to be really hard for you to hear all of this" Mr. Bang ask me again
I took a deep breath and nodded. I need to hear the truth about Yoongi, even if it might breaks me even more in the end.
So, Mr. Bang begins his story
"You know.. Yoongi been on pills... he has severe panic attacks for years.. it was since his Mom died..." Mr Bang began to talk..
"I know about it.. about him blaming himself for his Mother's death as well.. but I just know about him taking pills.. now" I said.. actually my heart start to feel pain, how come I don't know about that after all those times I spent with him.
"I guess.. he hide it from you.. because.. he wanted to look.. normal to you" He said.
It pained me again. I took a deep breath to ease the pain a bit, and he continued.
"He was getting better.. after I ask him to drove his thought to somewhere else.. well.. after he got along with that silly boys actually.. he said, he can forget a bit and that dark hole was getting smaller..
but he said.. he wasn't satisfied.. because.. after all, the hole is still there.. he can fall anytime.. he said.
playing piano still gave him attacks, thus he needs his pill still.. and he said he hate that. He want to be free from those medicines. he want to be normal."
I was holding my breath those whole times Mr.Bang talks. He was looking at me worriedly , but I ask him to continue.
"One day he said he can play the piano.. even if after that he said, he still need the medicine.. but he was so happy
he want to try again, he want to fight it.."
My mind instantly went to my first encounter with Yoongi..
That sorrowful Clair De Lune..
how mesmerizing he was when he played that.. it turn out that he was barely holding on..
and that moment I was thinking he enjoyed playing it..
I was such a fool..
"I was worried to be honest, because in his case, to fight the trauma trigger is dangerous, because its either win or lose, and I can not let him take such option."
My heart sunk.
I was supporting him to fight... while it turns out to be a bad choice?
"But seeing his eyes, even if I warned him multiples times.. I can't say no.. because I believe he has reason to that..
and the reason is you, Ms. Y/N.
"I asked him to write a diary, how he felt day to day basis, what kind of day he was encountering.. his diary entry before he met you was always about the past..
but after he met you.. he starts writing about the future..
I start to think its not a bad idea letting him fight that trauma..but it won't go as I thought it would be"
There were a lot going on on my head at that time, I start to feel really hard to breathe and uncomfortable.. and Mr. Bang knew it.
"I'm sorry I talked a lot...
the thing is I want to give you this diary" Mr Bang said, while taking out a red diary from his bag.
That is Yoongi's diary.
Mr. Bang put the diary on the table in front of us. I just stared at it. I know I am not ready.
"He wrote every single day.. until.. the day before that happens..
there I believe you can understand his heart more..
I really hope you don't blame yourself of all what happened, because I know Yoongi wouldn't want that as well..
Please live your life happily.. that;s what Yoongi wish after all."
And then.. Mr Bang left..
I was staring again at that red diary..
There, I will be able to read what Yoongi been gone through..
But.. will I ready to learn what he truly thought of me..?
will I ready to know that.. I was truly the cause of his death..?
-------
To Be Continued
--------
Well then that was part 8. It was a mess, but well.. I update it at least. hahaha.
Next part is Yoongi's diary.
Hope I update it as soon!
Thanks for reading
Byeh!
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